The Loafers’ Club meeting was in session.

At a Loafers’ Club meeting, we do nothing for an hour. We talk about how we could do even less. Then we go home and rest.

A club member, the old coach, Linus Scrimmage, told me that a small, frazzled man stormed into Hartland University one night last summer. Hartland University is the local dispensary of adult beverages and wisdom.

Here is the story as related to me by Linus.

The man, a stranger to the bar, said in a demanding voice, “Give me a double whiskey. I’m so upset I can’t see straight.”

The bartender poured a drink and the stranger downed it in one gulp and asked for another drink.

The barkeep poured the second drink and being of the curious sort, said, “Before I give you this drink, why don’t you calm down and tell me why you’re so upset?”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m a salesman. I sell cookware. Some call it pots and pans, but it’s deluxe cookware. With a set of the stuff I sell, you could prepare meals for a family of five for an entire week in just one pot on a stove without any heat. I sell part-time. I have a full-time mortgage, so I have a regular job, too. I had an appointment with a woman who lives in that tall apartment building on the north side of town. I get there and the woman seemed nice enough. She asked me to cook something to show her how well the cookware performed. I jumped at the chance. I like cooking almost as much as I like eating. She told me that with such a fancy meal, she wanted to use her best dishes. She added that she hadn’t used them in years and they were stored in the closet in her bedroom. She said that she couldn’t reach them without a chair and asked if I would get the plates down for her. I was happy to. I figured such a nice gesture on my part would insure a sale. I was counting those commission dollars in my head as I took the dishes down from the shelf. They were pretty things. I was jolted back to reality when I heard keys jingling and the front door opening. The woman got a frightened look on her face and whispered as loud as she dared, ‘Oh, no, it’s my husband! He’s insanely jealous. He won’t believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, hide!’ I opened the closet, but figured that was the first place he’d look, so I didn’t hide there. I looked under the bed, but I thought he’d look there, too. I heard his loud voice call the woman’s name. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out, hung onto the ledge by my fingers, and prayed that the guy wouldn’t see me.”

The mixologist said, “Well, I can see how that might shake a man up.”

“I heard the guy yell, ‘Who have you been seeing?’” said the salesman. “The woman said, ‘Nobody, honey, just calm down. I’m fixing dinner with some free cookware I won.’ The guy didn’t relax. He started tearing up the apartment. I heard him tear the door off the closet and throw it against the wall. I thought, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’ Then I heard him lift the bed and toss it across the room. It was a good thing I hadn’t hidden under it. Then I heard him cry, ‘What’s that by the window?’ I was sure I was dead meat. The woman was trying hard to distract him and convince him that there was no man. I heard the guy go into the bathroom, I heard water running, and I figured he was going to take a bath to cool off. Then all of a sudden, the guy poured a pot of scalding hot water out the window right on top of my head. Look at me — I have burns all over my head and shoulders! And he used one of my pots!”

The barkeep said, “Oh, man, that would have ruined my day.”

“That didn’t really bother me,” said the stranger. “Then the guy started slamming the window shut repeatedly on my fingers. Look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can barely hold onto this glass.”

The bartender said, “I see why you are upset, buddy.”

The salesman said, “That wasn’t what disturbed me.”

“Well, what got you so upset?” asked the bartender.

“After I had hung there having my hands battered for hours, I looked down. I was only a foot off the ground.”

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Thursday.