How a man thinks

Dirty socks are like hand grenades. If we toss them near a hamper, that’s close enough.

A health report

It brought about conversation. We presented thoughtful arguments as to which one should have to rise from a position of comfort and change the channel on the TV set. Then the TV remote control became commonplace. The remote control made for less exercise (other than for thumbs) and a higher obesity rate. Lose pounds. Lose the remote.

Work daze

I was a college student with a full-time job. I worked nights and went to school days. There were only 24 hours in a day in that bygone era—except, of course, in February when there were 28. I was seated in my workplace lunchroom when another graveyard shift worker sat down near me. He was twice my age, so I considered him ancient. He told me that he was a lucky man. I knew he didn’t mean that he was fortunate to be able to eat with me, so I asked him what he meant.

He replied, “I have a cigarette lighter and a wife — and they both work.”

All I know about lawn care

Always mow the front yard first in case the lawn mower breaks.

Soup and pie suppers

Suppers are eaten in churches. That’s a good thing. On a life’s road filled with twists and bends, it’s good to know that supper can be found in a church.

Life is short, but the steps are long. We get tired. Because of that, stairs are eliminated whenever possible. Church basements either go away or are no longer used for suppers. A casualty of change.

I enjoy visiting church basements. They’re like the outdoors in that the food tastes better there. I enjoy maneuvering around posts and battered pianos. The din made by metal chairs in a basement with poor acoustics is music to my ears. I salivate at the thought of hotdishes, lemon bars, funeral potatoes (scalloped potatoes and ham), and green Jell-O with shredded carrots and mayonnaise. I love a soup and pie supper. It’s much more than a fundraiser. It’s a simple way to upgrade a day.

A birthday

I attended a 100th birthday party. The birthday girl didn’t look her age. Most that make it to the century mark don’t. I wished her a happy birthday and asked if she had any tips for those who wanted to match her longevity.

She replied, “Wear comfortable shoes.”

Keeping stuff

I drive by a number of storage units. Buildings meant to hold the belongings of people who have nowhere else to store them. My parents put things away in a place where they would always remember where they put them. At least, that was the idea. The items usually ended up in the last place we would ever look for them. When I was a boy, storage units were empty coffee cans.

Think of the economy as a car’s engine

I don’t have to tell you about the economy. That’s the job of the people on TV. Those talking heads are like the guy who stops by when you are under the hood of your stalled car and says, “It looks like you have engine problems.”

As the odometer turns

My neighbor Crandall had been stopped for going the wrong way on a one-way street. The policeman told him that he was going the wrong way. Crandall replied, “How do you know? You don’t know where I’m going.”

Any volunteers

The man from Elkton, South Dakota told me that he was the tenth of ten children. Times were tough. They even did without the things they didn’t want. One day, he asked his mother why she had so many children.

She replied, “Where would you have wanted me to stop?”

The cell phone chronicles

We had been asked to disable our cell phones. A speaker was attempting to pass valuable information our way. A phone rang loudly in our midst. A woman quickly became one of those annoying loud talkers.

“Just between you and me …” she said in the most strident of voices.

It wasn’t.

Washington, D.C.

I spoke in our nation’s capital and enjoyed some sightseeing. Here are some things I learned.

For a hick like me, a big city is where a good day is missing a bus. I don’t mean not catching a bus. I mean not being hit by one.

If the seated Abe Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial were to stand up, he would be 28 feet tall and would scare the living daylights out of people.

The Washington Monument looks nothing like George Washington.

The bumper sticker read

On a car in Owatonna, “Faster than a speeding ticket.”

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.