Al Batt, Tales from Exit 22

The customers of this column ask the greatest questions. I endeavor to answer them.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” To show the opossum it could be done.

“Will my falling hair ever stop?” It will as soon as it hits the floor.

“You won’t even swat a fly. Why is that?” It’s because in my family, we eat what we kill.

“What is the largest flying insect you have ever seen?” The mammoth.

“What is the secret to a well-balanced life?” A thin piece of wood jammed under the leg of a wobbly table.

“What makes a rain forest?” The prodigious spitting of baseball players.

“What is the easiest perennial to grow?” Artificial flowers.

“Why do you enjoy the simple things in life?” Because I am one of them.

“Why don’t you drink coffee?” It gives me brain melt.

“Do you have Bluetooth?” Only after eating blueberry pie.

“I heard you talk about a ‘duck-duck’ on the radio. What is it?” It’s a duck that lays its eggs in flight. With each egg laid, it calls, “Duck!”

“Did you take trigonometry in school?” Yes, but I was in the class for two years before I was able to spell “trigonometry.”

The headlines from Hartland Harold

When I want to know the news, I talk to Hartland Harold. Hartland Harold knows what is going on. Here are the latest headlines according to Hartland Harold.

New study finds that more new studies are needed.

Census shows that the average resident isn’t.

Diner injured by flying belt buckle at an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Gravy Bowl.

Pet rock is missing. It was last seen skipping across Lake Inferior.

The Hartland Animal Protection and Pinochle Society breakfast features blindfolded bacon.

The Look Out Archery Club invites guests to target shoot. Each visitor must bring own apple.

School administrator tells mathematician to shut his pi hole.

Fourteen-time tanning champion dies. He was 50. His skin was 100.

Bowling ball-sized hailstones throw seven consecutive strikes at Pinhead’s Bowling Alley.

Scratch and Sniff Sale at the Aardvarks to Zebras Pet Shop.

A wave of layoffs hits Glub Glub Water Park.

The Thursday Afternoon Club that formerly met on Tuesdays will now meet on Wednesdays.

Tick Tock Clock Company goes digital and lays off many hands.

Parents charged with child endangerment for allowing children not wearing helmets to participate in pillow fight.

The food at the Road Kill Café isn’t that good. That’s why everything comes in small portions. They use duct tape to keep the eggs from running.

State erects “Wrong turn only” road sign in an attempt to confuse more drivers.

Vivian’s Cafe

As a boy, I enjoyed sitting in Vivian’s Café with my father and some of his farming friends. That’s where I learned to order simple food. Vivian would never have messed up chow, but simple foods don’t have many parts to be ruined. It was at Vivian’s where I first heard the theory that all of the satellites that had been sent into space had messed up the weather patterns. My theory is that the weather is and has always been goofy.

Telephone tales

My granddaughter Joey wanted a cell phone. She asked how many telephones I had when I was her age. I told her one.

She was relieved to know that I had possessed a phone when I was her age. I told her that we had one telephone for the entire family — a black phone the size of a Volkswagen Beetle that hung on the wall.

Joey responded with, “Oh, you were poor, Grandpa.”

We weren’t rich or poor, but we were often unavailable by telephone.

Slumbering

I try to out-sleep the night, but I typically awake before the alarm clock sounds. I disable the clock’s alarm and arise from bed.

A sleep researcher said that if you need to use your alarm clock to wake you, you’re not getting enough sleep.

I try to get enough sleep because I know that if I don’t get at least 8 hours of sleep, I’m going to be awake for more than 16 hours.

My father taught me

My father saved used nails. He liked them bent at one end and rusty at the other. He kept them in jars and cans. The condition of the nails made hammering them into wood an athletic challenge.

“Anyone can drive a straight nail,” my father said.

Well said

Leo Buscaglia said, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.