Julie Seedorf, Something About Nothing

My mother had Alzheimer’s disease. Although she has been gone a few years, the feelings and guilt seem to surface when I meet someone who is going through the same feelings and emotions I did while we were navigating through this disease.

To this day I wonder if I did enough. Rational thinking tells me I did, but my heart does not accept that thinking.

I should have known something was wrong when people started calling me asking me to get my mom to quit calling them over and over and over again. I should have known something was wrong when she would talk about me and say cruel and untrue things to people about me when I was standing and taking part in the same conversation. I should have known something was wrong when she would try the same pair of shoes on over and over and over again. But I did not want to face the fact that my mom was changing.

Finally one Christmas when we spent the day looking for her when she did not come for Christmas dinner I had to start facing facts. Many hours later when she finally made it home we found she had spent Christmas with someone else instead of her family and she could not tell us their names.

I worried because she would leave things on the stove to burn or leave the gas on with no burner lit on her stove. When she drove her car she drove down the wrong side of the road. She no longer was washing her clothes or changing her bedding and if I tried to help she would scream at me and lock me out of her house. I did not know what to do and where to turn.

I knew she never wanted to go to a nursing home, but I worried for her safety because she would not let me help and she seemed to hate me. Finally I was able to get a social worker involved and they suggested she was not safe at home.

The state took away her driver’s license but kept sending her notices to take her test to get it back and she did, 11 times. She passed the written test and made it one block on her driving test before they stopped her. She told me the examiner told her she drove fine and could have her license back.

We had to take her car because she would still drive. She tried renting cars. She could pass a written test, but she could not remember to turn off the stove, change her clothes or even to sometimes eat. Her memory was foggy except when she would talk to people for maybe 10 minutes at a time. She was very convincing. However, no one knew that she was wandering in her underclothes outside at night.

I was a wreck, too. I felt so alone. The decisions were mine because I was an only child. Finally, I knew with a doctor, social worker and a judge’s evaluation that she no longer could stay at home.

The day came for her to leave her home. Some friends and my husband volunteered to get involved in a very difficult situation and help me take her to an assisted living home. I had told her many weeks in advance about her move, but she didn’t remember. She didn’t want to leave, and the scene was horrible. My friends would send me out of the room because I was so upset, and they would soothingly talk to her. Finally, she left her home of 90 years. She was only in assisted living for a month or so before they determined that she needed nursing home care. Her dementia and attitude were more than they could handle.

Entering the nursing home with the schedule and help they had made a big difference in mom’s life and in mine. They knew how to handle her. I found a side of my mom I never knew, and she became a cute and funny lady. We had a wonderful relationship the last two years of her life. She didn’t always know who I was. Some days I was the cleaning lady. Some days I was a student in her school, and some days I was her daughter. I knew my mom would never choose to forget me so I chose to just enjoy our time and find humor in whoever I was on any given day when I would visit her.

I am not telling you this story so you feel sorry for me. I am telling you this story because recently I held in my arms someone whose heart was breaking because they were in the midst of making that difficult decision on how to keep an elderly parent safe. They were dealing with the emotions of guilt, helplessness and heartbreak because their parent is no longer the parent they knew. They miss that parent who loved them, nurtured them and laughed with them.

Many of us believe that because of the situation we need to keep our emotions bottled up inside of us. We believe if people knew what we were feeling and thinking others would think we were a terrible person. We don’t always have to be the rock. Remember without support, rocks sink.

It is hard to make choices for parents that can no longer take care of themselves and make rational decisions. There are no easy answers. Many times those who are making these difficult decisions are forgotten or misunderstood. That adds to the hurt and the blame that the caretaker is already feeling.

If you are someone struggling with these decisions please know there are others that have felt the same emotions that you do. Those emotions are so normal in the circumstances.

If you know someone who is struggling with making decisions for their parents, support them in any way you can. I could not have survived the emotions without the support I received from my friends, the social worker and care providers. Sometimes as a friend you need to lift your friend up when they can no longer lift themselves up.

I have already told my kids my wishes if I become my mom. Hopefully, by doing that now, it will make their decisions about my life easier.

If you are in the midst of a crisis with your parents, remember you are not alone. Ask for help, share your burden, let someone carry you when you can no longer lift yourself up and have faith in yourself. Remember your parents would never choose to forget you.

“One person caring about another represents life’s greatest value.” — Jim Rohn

Wells resident Julie Seedorf’s column appears every Monday. Send e-mail to her at thecolumn@bevcomm.net. Her blog is paringdown.wordpress.com. Listen to KBEW AM radio 1:30 p.m. Sundays for “Something About Nothing.”