Scott Schmeltzer, Thanks for Listening

I am quite saddened by the early exit of the Minnesota Twins. The Yankees seemed to have their number — again. What can we do to change the fate of our Twins? I will list what I think would be some moves we need to make to get past the Yankees and onto the World Series.

1. Change the playoff announcers

It would be nice to have just one announcer on the underdog Twins side. All of the announcers during the playoffs are just waiting for the great Yankees to score a run to start saying phrases like, “Here we go,” “Time for the Yankees to open the floodgates” and, of course, the ever popular “You just can’t give those Yankees an inch.” Enough! The Twins also know how to play ball and maybe if the announcers actually believed in the Twins a bit, it would help. It sure could not hurt.

2. Payroll equality

I think the Yankees should have to give the Twins $116,429,223 for players a month prior to the playoffs. That is the exact amount of the difference in players’ salaries in 2010. Hmm, what could we spend $116 million and change on? Maybe a starter or — I know — a whole other team as the Twins payroll for 2010 was only $90 million and change. It gets a bit frustrating every year when the guy off the bench for the Yankees is like this year’s Lance Berkman, a 300 home run, 1,000 RBI guy that is a five-time all star. Isn’t it enough that the Yankees have an all-star player in every position and most of their pitching staff?

3. Umpire equality

Can we get the same close calls that the Yankees always get because, well, they’re the Yankees? I would love for Michael Cuddyer and Danny Valencia to get the same treatment as Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter get. Imagine our guys having a postage stamp for a strike zone. It is no wonder the Yankees can work the counts on all of our pitchers when they just have to take a pitch and it is called a ball.

4. New York nightlife

I think the Yankees are so confident because they are in the limelight 24 hours a day and seven days a week. It is pretty easy to not get nervous when you are in the tabloids all the time for dating Madonna, Kate Hudson, and four world class models in the same afternoon. I think we need to make sure our Twins get the same media attention when they are at “A Prairie Home Companion” at the Fitzgerald Theater. I can see the headlines now, “Twins catcher Joe Mauer with Lady GaGa, star struck by stories of Lake Wobegon.” Hey, this is war, New York, and we can pull off limelight in Minnesota just the same as you. Just wait until the State Fair!

5. Yankee mystique

Ruth, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, Berra and the rest of the Yankee lore pales when compared to Killebrew, Oliva, Carew and Allison. Also if you remember we used to be the Washington Senators and had “The Big Train” Walter Johnson, so top that. The Yankees might brag about the last few years and having Jeter, Posada, and Rivera, but I say Kirby Puckett, Kent Hrbek and Joe Mauer. So let’s put this mystique thing away and play some ball.

6. Facial hair

The Yankees are the clean-cut men of pinstripes with no mustaches and no beards. To battle this, we need to go a couple steps above the mustached Carl Pavano. My suggestion is that right from spring training, no Twin shaves at all. I want to show up in the playoffs looking like that bearded seventh-grader that we all feared in grade-school football. You know what I am talking about. The kid who had matured faster than all of us with the beard and mustache that matched his mom’s and had the girlfriend who was already in college. We need to look and be feared like an old school Minnesota trapper and guide from the 1800s. No, 1700s. We need to show up looking like a combination of Gentle Ben and Jeremiah Johnson. We need to be hungry. I hope you are ready Twins, because you only have a couple months left of that smooth skin.

And last but not least …

7. Wild thing

We need that unknown 105-mile-an-hour chucker who just shows up out of the corn fields sometime in early June. The guy that no one has ever heard of who is about 6 feet 8 inches, 250 pounds and has a little trouble with his control.

I am talking about a farm strong, no nonsense, cow carrying beast of nature that just puts the fear of everything into every Yankee who steps into the box. I want him to throw so darn hard that Babe Ruth turns over in his grave, sees this behemoth and pees himself.

I want the New York writers so afraid that this kid might kill them with a fastball that they do not dare write a despairingly bad word about him or the Twins. I want even Joe Mauer so scared of this kid that he uses Danny Valencia as a human shield whenever they talk on the mound.

I also want this kid to live in a trailer in the bullpen at Target Field so he stays as tough as nails for his whole Twins career. I want him to have a tattoo on his chest that just says I HATE NEW YORK. As far as a name, I do not even care if he has a name, just so that he scares people. I really am not asking for much, just a fair shake at the darn Yanks.

Do you agree?

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.