Column: Maryanne Law, Families First

Question:  I am so tired of the negative talk and the negative thinking in our family. Any suggestions?

Answer: No matter what age we are, when we are frustrated we often fall into the trap of verbalizing our worst fears as statements of fact. From kids in emotional pain we hear: “I can’t.” “I’m no good at math.” “I’m a loser.” “Nobody likes me.” “Shut up, stupid!” “I hate everybody.”

Most of us don’t want our children to lie: however, we don’t think of exaggerated statements as lying. It is, though, and it is important to be alert to our family’s talk and how it can program us for failure. Some strategies for turning defeatist phrases into positive statements include:

• Avoid generalities: instead of saying “We never win.” say “We lost today.”

• Avoid negative predictions: replace “We’ll never win.” With “I hope we start winning soon.”

• Be specific about concerns/desires: instead of saying “Nobody likes me.” say “I’d like to make more friends.”

• Use positive self-statements: instead of saying “I always make mistakes.” say “I’m still learning.”

We are all influenced by the people around us. We tend to take on the vocabulary and language patterns of our group. As a parent I would encourage you to simply rephrase the negative sentences you hear. Do it with a soft voice and a smile. Unfortunately, most of us are better at verbalizing what we don’t want rather than what we do want. Speaking positively is a skill very similar to goal setting. If kids hear adults being very specific and positive, it’s likely they will pick up how to do it. Practice. If you find yourself saying something negative, simply say, “Wait, I want to rephrase that….”  You will be teaching your children it is OK to make a mistake and OK to correct it.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care, call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org.

Maryanne Law is the executive director of the Parenting Resource Center in Austin.