Column: Thanks for Listening

Sporks rule!

I have always thought that sporks are the greatest invention of all time. Some might argue with me about the wheel or fire or even the Internet (dang you, Al Gore), but to me the combination of a fork and a spoon is real genius.

You now might be asking yourself, where do you find such an invention? Well, early in my childhood, I found this amazing piece of wizardry at the local Kentucky Fried Chicken.

If you ordered a two-piece chicken dinner (white, not dark, for me) a spork came with the dinner (though I am pretty sure the spork came with any kind of meal or chicken combination) to help you with the huge dilemma of how would I eat both potatoes and gravy and coleslaw?

The spork made it easy to use the spoon portion on your mashed potatoes but still did not let you down if you needed to use a fork part on your slaw.

The spork also helped you easily slide a strawberry shortcake layered cup dessert without even blinking an eye. Genius!

Seriously, it made eating at KFC a snap. Now I do not remember the other high-end culinary delightful restaurants of my youth carrying the spork, but let’s just thank KFC for being such a trailblazer.

So now that we have established the spork as the greatest invention of all time, let me tell you that sadly, it had been at least 10 to 15 years since I saw another spork.

KFC, I think, quit using them. I am pretty sure that the lobbyists in Washington for the spoons and forks forced out the sporks because they knew the gadget would surely take over as the predominant culinary utensil. I cannot be sure, but I think that Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck started a crusade against the spork and forced it to go into hiding.

I really missed the spork and for years would think about the spork and what happened to it.

The thoughts I had were fleeting though because my life got busy and I just figured it was another change that I would just get used to. The spork was just a small part of my childhood, like Captain Kangaroo and Bugs Bunny and was meant to just be a memory that I would hold dearly.

So as I was sitting on Delta Flight 4754 from

Minneapolis to Las Vegas. I ordered the chicken salad box lunch for myself. I am hungry, but before I open up this fine dining box of delight, I see a bright light coming from inside the box.

I thought to myself, “Is it the pre-packaged raisins that would shed such a light? Maybe the crackers?”

I slowly open the box while fighting the bright light and just then I hear, “Sir, please shut off your electronic devices and stow them in your above compartments.”

But it was not a electronic device. it was — as I finally got the box open — a SPORK!

It was as beautiful as I remembered it as a child, and, as I reached for it, I noticed a small notch in the center of it. What was this notch? Why did someone put a notch on the mostly perfect spork. As I studied the spork, I had realized that the spork took on an even better form than during my childhood.

The spork now could be folded in half to travel better and be stored very conveniently. The spork I once knew was now — even better!

After a few minutes of reminiscing with my friendly spork, I used it to eat my meal and then washed it off and promised to take it with me everywhere.

I told the spork that we would be inseparable in Vegas. We would have fun, take pictures but mostly just be together after all these years. As a part of my story, I have shared a few photos with you, the reader, of some of the adventures we had in Vegas, but, alas I cannot share them all.

You know the saying about Las Vegas. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.