Column: Maryanne Law, Families First

Question: My daughter is going through a divorce and I’m concerned for my three grandchildren. Will you share what we need to know in order to help the children through the next months?

Answer: It is so valuable to children to have supportive grandparents, and uncles and aunts in their lives when their parents are divorcing. When a marriage breaks down, men and women alike often experience a decreased ability to parent effectively. Struggling with their own grief process, moms and dads may give less time, provide less positive discipline and be less sensitive to their children. Research has shown that during the first stages of divorce, parents are often temporarily unable to separate their children’s needs from their own.

If children are placed in the circumstances of divorce they need:

• freedom from parental fighting

• reliable, safe time with each parent

• “normal” time with each parent

• freedom from being manipulated by either parent

• permission to love both parents

• assurance that no one else will ever replace either parent

• understanding that the divorce isn’t their fault and they can’t “fix” it

Parents who are meeting their children’s needs do not:

• use their children as messengers

• pump their children for information

• expect their children to take sides

• give their children adult information or responsibilities

• interfere with their child’s time with the other parent

Transition in families of divorce is actually a matter of years rather than months. In the midst of all the changes, a family that guards the childhood of its children is to be commended.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out the website: www.familiesandcommunities.org.

Maryanne Law is the executive director of the Parenting Resource Center in Austin.