Column: Tales from Exit 22

I was going to write this column months ago.

I just never got around to it.

Then I heard about Ole.

Ole had gone to the doctor and got bad news. He had only a few weeks to live. Ole came home and told Lena the news. Ole slumped into his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Ole smelled a heavenly aroma. Lena was making his favorite sugar cookies. Ole walked into the kitchen and grabbed a cookie. Lena slapped his hand and said, “Ole, you can’t eat that. These cookies are for after your funeral!”

Lena was no procrastinator.

There is no expiration date on a birth certificate. John Lennon said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

We tell ourselves that we’ll do something when we have more money or more time. When we find the money or the time, we have no energy. Life is as short as a pig’s kick, so procrastination is not a good plan.

Most of us prepare for old age by doing nothing more than getting older. We put things off. We plan to make a list of things to do today but we never get around to making the list. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Winter is our most famous procrastinator. It procrastinates — not in arrival but in departure. Most of us, while as students, have awakened one morning with the realization that the report we had two months to complete and hadn’t started was due that day.

I visited with a fellow in one of our southernmost states. He was talking about a broken latch on his yard gate.

“I’ve been fixing to fix that,” he said.

His wife added, “He’s been fixing to fix that for years.”

The man wasn’t a slacker. He knew that he should be doing something that he wasn’t. Our elders tried to steer us down the correct path.

“Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”

“Don’t leave things half-finished.”

“The early bird gets the worm.”

“He who hesitates is lost.”

They almost had us convinced. Then they kept talking.

“Look before you leap.”

“All good things come to those who wait.”

“Patience is the companion of wisdom.”

“The second mouse gets the cheese.”

That is why we are confused and are fixing to do things. We wait until we can’t put things off any longer.

There is a thrill in completing a task at the last moment. Some believe that waiting to the last minute is good because a deadline focuses the mind. Others call procrastination the thief of time. Research shows that 95 percent of people procrastinate and the other 5 percent have been meaning to procrastinate but haven’t gotten around to it. Simple things can remedy procrastination. Turning off the email notification on your computer increases productivity by 10 percent. Having a loved one whip you with a wet noodle until you complete a task increases productivity 110 percent.

I do the things I don’t want to do first. That gives me more time to look forward to the things I want to do. That’s a good thing. Eat a live toad the first thing each morning. That makes whatever you have to do later seem easier. The bad part of this technique is that it ruins the toad’s day.

We do things just as we remember things.

Later.

Procrastination gives us something to anticipate because a procrastinator’s work is never done.

Do something good now, while you think of it.

Then have a sugar cookie.

The latest headlines from Hartland Harold

New florist, Rhoda Dendron, decides to stop and sell the roses.

Garage Mahal Construction’s carpenters level city.

At MT Belly’s, fish come with heads still on to help see you through tough times. The eatery offers a legendary menu — Sasquatch steak, unicorn roast, Pegasus prime rib, and Loch Ness monster meatloaf.

Local dentist, Phil Eng, puts your money where your mouth is.

Saint Menard’s Hardware Store offers free glass eye with each BB gun purchased.

Ask Al

“How can I tell a male from a female deer?” By the buckteeth.

“How can I tell weeds from vegetables in my garden?” Pull them. If they come back up, they are weeds.

“Why do birds fly south?” It’s too far to walk.

“Does your hometown have a rest home?” No, we use a rest area instead.

“How do I decide which rowing implement to use in a rowboat?” Either oar.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.