Column: Maryanne Law, Families First

Question: What does a calm, confident parent say about bedtime, homework or household chores?

Answer: Good for you for recognizing that there is a difference between fighting words and thinking words! When I was a teenager my mom would circumvent all my arguments about why it would be OK for me to be out late on a school night (I’d get up on time in the morning. I had my homework done. I would be with kids she liked.) by taking full responsibility for the reason for her decision. She’d say: “I’m too tired to have you out past 8:30 tonight.” There just wasn’t much arguing room there. I knew she never slept well until I was home at night.

Jim Fay, the author of “Love Me Enough To Set Some Limits,” has some useful suggested responses for those routine times of parent-child conflicts:

Bedtime: “From 8:30 on is our private time. We don’t want to see you or hear you. Feel free to be awake. You decide how much sleep you need. We get up at 6 a.m.” Or, you might say, “I just feel better about myself if I know you’ve had a chance for eight hours of sleep. So, I want you to be in your bed. That’s the kind of parent I am.”

Homework: “I just feel better about myself when I know you’ve had a chance to do your homework. So, between 4 and 5 p.m. I’ll expect you to be in your room (or at the table) thinking hard about it or doing it, one or the other, and me knowing you’ve had your opportunity.”

Friends: “You know with friends like that, you get to make a lot tougher decisions than if you chose a different kind of friends.” Or you might say, “I trust that your good decision-making will influence your friends.”

Chores: “Do you think it’s reasonable to expect you to finish that up before the end of the day or before the next meal?” Or you might say, “Feel free to go out and do your thing as soon as you have that done.”

As parents, our responsibility is to have expectations that reflect our values, as well as give our kids part of the decision-making. We set the non-negotiable boundary because of safety and values, and allow choices that are acceptable. Respect is a learned habit that comes from living with adults who know how to be both firm and friendly.

If you would like to talk about the challenges of raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 888-584-2204/Línea de Apoyo at 877-434-9528. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org.

Maryanne Law is the executive director of the Parenting Resource Center in Austin.