It’s time to play Whack-A-Pol

Published 9:10 am Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Column: Will Durst, Raging Moderate

Let’s take a peek behind the scenes of GOP headquarters to listen in on the coaching strategy for the little game Republicans are currently playing called, “Anybody but Romney.” Think “Whack-A-Mole” with media mallets.

Will Durst

“Well, here it is, boys, 2011. About time we scour the country and figure out exactly whom we should pick for our 2012 presidential nominee. It’s got to be somebody with a legitimate shot to beat that socialist incumbent. Somebody we can trust to toe the party line. But most importantly, we need someone younger than that last guy. Which won’t be hard.

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“So, who do we have running? OK, OK, thank you, Mitt Romney. You can put your hand down now. Ran the Olympics? That’s great. We’ll definitely keep you in mind. Who else we got? Sarah Palin! The Rogue Thing! She just can’t help herself. Loves going off reservation. Like she did in ’08. And ever since. Unnh, then again, you know what? She’s probably busy. Somebody call Roger Ailes at Fox News and tell him to make sure she’s real busy.

“Hey, how ’bout Donald Trump? The Donald. He’s perfect. Successful businessman. High name recognition. Aerodynamic hair. Well, let’s see what he can do. Oh my god, he’s really like that. I thought it was all an act. Nobody tells me anything.

“Let’s see, who else is there? Thank you, Mitt. No, no. We haven’t forgotten you. Got you right at the top of the list. Yes, we know your first name is Willard. And the Mormon thing. Won’t be a problem. Umm, where’s that Tea Party favorite, Michele Bachmann? There she is, in Iowa, celebrating the birthplace of John Wayne Gacy. Oh dear. With her husband Marcus. Whoa. Well, no wonder she’s so opposed to gay marriage. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

“OK. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I got an idea. Rick Perry. Governor of Texas. Worked out pretty good last time, didn’t it? He’s just like Bush with actual cattle. Let’s watch him debate. Oooh. Not going to work out this time. Umm. Umm. What about Chris Christie? Another governor. We like governors, right? Yes, Mitt. Massachusetts. Got it. Besides, Chris Christie is too big to fail. Hey, Chris! What? Oh yeah? Well, we don’t want you either!

“Wait a minute. This is going to sound crazy. Crazy like a fox. You know what I’m thinking? Herman Cain. Yes. The Pizza Guy. I know, I know. He’s a, he’s a, he’s a … lobbyist, but boy, can he command a room. Look at him with that group of women over there. Holy cow, that’s my wife. Security!

“Say, I’m a bit parched; Mitt, could you run get us some Red Bulls? Here’s a 20. Oh, right, you’re loaded. And an MBA from Harvard. Terrific. Is he gone? Thank god. Hey, who’s that hiding under that rock? Why, it’s Newt! Newt Gingrich. Of course. An oldie but a goodie. Rescued the party from Clinton’s shadow in the early ’90s. The good news is, everybody knows him. The bad news is, yeah, everybody knows him.

“Geez, he loves to hear himself talk, doesn’t he? Well, look at it this way, if the Newtster doesn’t pan out, we can always fall back on Mister Stalwart Standby Romney. Yeah. That’s what we’ll do. Its Newt or Mitt. Or Ron Paul. No. No. No. Definitely Romney or Gingrich. Or Santorum. Say, has anybody seen Mike Huckabee lately?”


The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.”