Live United, by Ann Austin

Tonight is the Candlelight Vigil. The event, organized by our local Crime Victims Crisis Center and community volunteers, is a time to get together, share stories about victims of violence and talk about how we can create a safer community for everyone.

I remember covering this event when I was at the Tribune years ago and being inspired by the stories I heard from survivors of domestic violence. I also remember wishing more people would have heard the stories.

Domestic violence is a really hard topic to discuss, especially for people who have gone through it, whether they were the victim or a witness.

According to the Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women, one in four women have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner while one in seven men experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner.

Those statistics are pretty alarming, especially when considering the greater impact of such violence. For example, “children who experience childhood trauma, including witnessing incidents of domestic violence, are at a greater risk of having serious adult health problems including tobacco use, substance abuse, obesity, cancer, heart disease, depression and a higher risk for unintended pregnancy.” (MNCBW)

There has been much attention paid to these issues over the years, especially after the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study was released. For more information, visit: http://acestudy.org/. It’s eye-opening, especially considering how one’s personal experiences can ultimately impact length of life.

But statistics are faceless — I can say that personally I’ve known many people who have experienced some form of violence in their relationship, ranging from emotional abuse and psychological manipulation to severe physical abuse.

When I was 19 I had a boyfriend who was emotionally and psychologically manipulative. I stayed with him for over a year, but realized something wasn’t right at about the six-month mark. Every time I tried to leave him (because it was not a healthy relationship) he would come up with a reason why I couldn’t — saying at one point he would kill himself. At another point he told me I had AIDS. I did call his mother to let her know there was something more serious going on, but she denied there was an issue. I don’t think she wanted to deal with it.

Our relationship never became physically violent, which I am so thankful for, but it was emotionally exhausting. I used to love spending time outside at night — but because of his behavior I didn’t feel safe watching the stars for years, even after I moved to our community. I was worried he would be there in the dark and would take me.

Thankfully there has been some resolution (on his part — I have not talked to him for almost 15 years) and both of us have moved on. But in many cases with domestic violence or stalking, the threat persists, especially when children are involved. Often one person is in control of the finances, so the victim and children are financially dependent. This makes it challenging for them to leave without facing great difficulty providing basics such as housing, clothing and food.

Ultimately violence is never the answer — we are so thankful that local programs like Crime Victims Crisis Center and local volunteers provide resources for victims.

If you haven’t watched it yet, I highly encourage you to take a look at Patrick Stewart’s story. You can watch it here: www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2013/05/31/187551135/video-patrick-stewarts-strong-words-about-domestic-violence.

We all know him as Captain Picard on “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” But, as a child, he watched his father abuse his mother. He has been open about this experience and the role men need to take to stop the violence: “Violence is never, ever a choice that a man should make.”

We always have a choice for how we react in any situation — sometimes the best choice is to simply walk away.

Albert Lea resident Ann Austin is the executive director of the United Way of Freeborn County.

 

Coming up

Oct. 11: Blessing of the Animals, 9 a.m., Central Park

Oct. 18: Tea with Family & Friends, 2 p.m., Freeborn County Historical Museum, reservations 377-7433

Oct. 26: Children’s Kindness Event at the Albert Lea Public Library, TBD