The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

Lately my mom and I aren’t seeing eye-to-eye. She gets mad at me about everything, and I can’t seem to make her happy. I’ve been hanging out with my friends after school more just so I can avoid her. We used to get along really well. I don’t know what changed or what I did. Can you help?

— Miss my mom

 

Dear Miss,

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most likely it’s nothing you have done. As adults and parents, we are faced with a lot of life stressors that we can’t share with our children. As your mother, her

role is to take care of you — make sure you are fed and clothed and that you have enough support to grow and develop. Sometimes the basics are all parents have the energy to do.

Unfortunately, life is becoming more stressful and many people face additional responsibilities at work. You mentioned how it seems that nothing you do can make her happy. She might be feeling overwhelmed. When people are stressed, they can exhibit moodiness, a short temper, inability to relax as well as physical symptoms like nausea and aches and pains.

Are you able to make dinner a few nights a week to help out? Or you could volunteer to help with chores. This will take some of the additional responsibility off her plate and she will have more time to relax and connect with you.

Every parent-child relationship goes through ups and downs. This might be a period of time when you both need more space. As her child, one of your roles is to learn how to be more independent. It’s natural for you to start spending more time with your friends. You certainly shouldn’t be doing this to avoid your mother, but perhaps some additional time will help both of you interact in more positive ways again.

I don’t necessarily agree with the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Rather, I would say absence helps us tolerate each other.

Please let your mother know where you are at all times and who you are spending time with — as well as what you are doing. Parents naturally worry about their children — if she isn’t sure where you are and if you are safe, it will cause additional stress.

It’s okay to be upset with your mom when she acts in anger towards you that is unfounded. Since you are still sharing the same house and will interact at times while this situation continues, I would encourage you to stick up for yourself, but try not to have shouting matches.

It’s so easy to let emotions take over, but this won’t help either of you. Listen to her, say your piece, and then find an excuse to go to your room. Homework is a great excuse, if you are still in school.

If you are interested, you could research some methods for stress relief and during good days you could try to get your mom engaged. Some of the most effective forms of stress relief are exercise, meditation/visualization and deep breathing or yoga.

These are activities you could incorporate into your daily or weekly routine that will help relieve stress and increase coping and problem-solving skills.

With any situation, it is not what we encounter but how we react to it that defines who we are as people. Though it is a difficult situation, you could learn skills that will help you deal with stress and ultimately improve your life experience.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.