The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

My girlfriend is really jealous. Every time I talk to another girl, she gets mad at me and won’t talk to me for days. I have many friends who are girls, and I’ve been friends with them for years. I don’t think it’s fair for me to have to stop being friends with them just so she won’t get mad at me. I’ve tried explaining this to her, but she says I’m being a jerk. What should I do?

— Jealous Girlfriend

 

Dear Jealous,

This is a very common issue between new couples — either one or both people may experience jealousy at times. It can be annoying, but it can also become destructive.

When two people enter a relationship, there are often different expectations that are not usually expressed. If you are young and this is your first relationship, you probably don’t know what you want yet.

There are most likely a variety of issues going on with your girlfriend. She may not have enough confidence in your relationship yet, or in herself. Jealousy is a sign of immaturity — so she probably also has some growing up to do.

As a woman, I can admit we have an amazing ability to fabricate stories in our minds and create scenarios that have nothing to do with reality. I think this is a useful skill, especially when it comes to planning for the future and protecting our children, but it can lead us down paths that create unnecessary difficulties in relationships.

The best thing you can do when she confronts you is to remain calm. If you get angry and argumentative, she will think you are hiding something. You should reassure her and make sure to set aside time for just the two of you.

If you’re always around your girl friends, she may feel like she is a third wheel. It’s up to you to help her understand why she is special to you and different from all of the other girls you consider your friends.

Once your relationship is established, you will start spending more time with her friends as well as your friends. Any jealousy will begin to fade as your friends become her friends, and vice versa. You may find your girlfriend and girl friends will start to spend more time together, without you!

She may be the type of person who does not overcome jealous feelings. If this is the case, I will caution you that things can become quite messy. It really could be a deal-breaker for your relationship.

When you are young, this kind of drama appears to add an element of excitement to a relationship, but as you get older you start to realize there are usually deep-seated issues when people consistently act out in jealousy or anger. This really is not attractive. No matter how wonderful a person seems to be, if they are emotionally charged, it will affect your life in negative ways.

My grandmother always used to say that “a clean break is better than a jagged edge.” I believe in making relationships work, but this would be one circumstance where I suggest you end it if the behavior continues.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.