Dear Leah,

I’ve been struggling the past few years to connect with my husband over the holidays. We have different belief systems so we don’t see Christmas the same way. I want to make it a special time for both of us, but I don’t know how. Can you help?

— Christmas Concerns

 

Dear Concerns,

You feel you are not connecting with your husband, but it may not be the case. We feel pressured to be extra romantic this time of year. The Christmas specials don’t help — visions of couples twirling

around, arms encircling, as snow floats down around them are pretty gag-worthy. Frankly, this doesn’t happen for most couples, and it’s not a bad thing.

I believe the strongest relationships are built on honesty, financial stewardship and regular communication, not “romance.” It may sound bah-humbug, but true partnership comes from mutual respect and working as a team. Getting off my soap box now …

There are additional pressures this time of year from work, our social circles and family that can leave people feeling exhausted. Are you still interacting regularly and if it were a different time of year would you feel you aren’t connecting? Put things in perspective before you worry too much about your relationship.

Finding a way to meaningfully engage this time of year is something many couples struggle with, even if they have similar belief systems. Everyone grows up with different traditions over the holidays and it can be a challenge to decide which traditions to keep or how to blend the best of both worlds.

It’s normal for one of the partners to enjoy a tradition more than another — would you force someone else to eat fruitcake if they despised it?

I think the best advice I can offer you for this situation is to engage in some retrospection about what attracted you to your husband in the first place. You must have been aware you had different beliefs when you were married. What makes your relationship special? What do you want to celebrate?

Try to get to the core of the emotional struggle you’re experiencing. Is it your husband, or is it something more personal? Is he asking you to give up something you love — or an activity that makes the holidays extra special for you? Are you asking him to do the same?

As I said before, the strongest relationships are based on mutual respect. Essentially, it is up to the two of you to find commonality. There are common aspects to all belief systems — look deeper and you will find we all essentially want the same thing.

Make sure you are taking time for yourself and are engaging in something that is meaningful to you — even if you end up doing it alone. Sometimes we find the most meaning in the quiet times.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.