Break-ups also are opportunities to grow
Published 3:21 pm Saturday, January 17, 2015
Dear Leah,
I just went through a messy break-up and am really struggling. We were together for over a year, and I really loved her. I wanted to get serious, but she decided that she wanted space. I feel like I could win her back if I really tried, but every time I contact her (text, email, call) she won’t respond. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane at times and other days I feel like I’m over her.
— Torn in Two
Dear Torn,
Goodness, I feel your pain! Who hasn’t been through this?
Well, I do know of some people … but I can tell you it’s very rare that all relationships work out long-term. You are certainly not alone in your struggles.
My grandmother always used to say “a clean break is better than a jagged edge.” She was referring to relationships and our ability to let go when things don’t work out how we expect them to. Sometimes if we hang on too long, things get more complicated and messy.
Your girlfriend was most likely the person you talked to every day and quite possibly the only one you shared your deepest feelings with. You were planning a future with her and perhaps you started to dream of a house with a white picket fence. (Or maybe that is just a girl thing.)
In any sense, you are experiencing an emotional gap in your life right now.
Rather than continuing to text, email or call her (if it becomes too often or is too intense, it can get you in trouble), you should write all of the things you want to say down in a journal. It is up to you whether you want to keep it or burn it at some point. You need an outlet to release the emotions you are feeling right now.
You may find that you have another friend you can share your thoughts or feelings with.
Conventional thinking says men are not as emotional or understanding as women when it comes to feelings.
However, I know many men who, when the occasion calls, can offer some really good advice and perspective. I’m sure you know some guys who have faced the same struggles. If you open up to them about this, it may deepen your friendship. We all need good friends in life.
Every relationship offers a chance for us to grow, especially the ones that have been painful. Perhaps she brought something out in you that you didn’t know existed or you were more yourself around her. That is a good thing — and not something you will lose with her absence. Try to recognize the ways you have grown and focus on that and be thankful you had a chance to get to know each other.
Perhaps at some point along your journeys, you two will have the opportunity to develop a friendship. But, right now, you get to focus on you — and that is a good thing!
Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.