Dear Leah,

My wife and I were married a few months ago, but the honeymoon is definitely over. We’ve been fighting about everything lately: money, work, family, etc. Just the other day we both said we weren’t in love with each other anymore. We didn’t say the “d” word (divorce) but I feel like that might be next. Did we make a mistake?

Honeymoon on Hiatus

 

Dear Hiatus,

The thing that bothers me most about the media’s portrayal of relationships these days is that they are so volatile they are on the verge of being abusive. It certainly isn’t a good model for couples just starting out.

Conversely, the other message commonly relayed is how fighting is not normal and if a couple fights, they must be on the verge of a break-up.

The reality is, when you are newly married, you will fight. It is healthy and normal and part of any relationship that is getting established. How a couple fights can vary based on the personalities of the individuals involved, the severity of the issue and how comfortable the couple is communicating with each other.

I have found in my years of interacting with married couples, the ones who fight (in a healthy way) tend to have stronger relationships and are in it for the long run. The couples who don’t fight, and rather deny the conflict exists or push it aside, are the ones who tend to bear deep-seated resentment which will damage the foundation of their relationship.

It certainly is hard to hear you are not loved anymore. My question for you is do either of you really mean it? Love evolves in a relationship and, though you may not feel “in love,” you most likely still do love your partner. If you are concerned about his/her well-being and will drop everything to be at his/her side if something serious like an illness or death of a family member occurs, then you still love each other.

We tend to get dramatic with our words to get our partner’s attention or “one-up” them. Admit it, sometimes you say things for the “shock” factor. At some point, you’ll find this isn’t helpful and you will both prefer to get to the point rather than insist on long drawn-out verbal punishments. If you have children, you just won’t have the energy to do this anymore.

There are times we will love our partner as a friend rather than in a romantic way. Romance can be very overrated. Some of the most romantic people have been terribly unfaithful. For example French men, known for fawning over their women with gifts and compliments, are also known for having mistresses as an accepted part of the culture.

It is far better to develop a relationship of trust in which you are partners in life. The only way to do this is to invest time in your fights — and use that time constructively to work to the core of the issue. If you’re fighting about money, is it because you haven’t established a budget together? If you are fighting about work, do you need to create a rule to “leave work at work?” If you are fighting about family, maybe you need to discuss expectations and give each other an “out” if certain situations are uncomfortable.

The time you invest in your fights will decrease as you start to resolve the core issues that are causing those fights. It is important to understand each others’ expectations and be respectful and supportive of feelings, goals and dreams for the future. Human beings are remarkable creatures, and we can choose to either grow together or grow apart.

If you feel like the relationship really might be headed for a divorce, I would recommend you visit a lawyer and find out the steps you must take. This may convince you things really aren’t as bad as they seem and will motivate you both to try to work things out.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.