Column: Hartland residents have odd stories to tell

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, February 7, 2001

Kenneth &uot;Fraidy&uot; Katt of rural Hartland has stumbled upon a solution to the problem of global warming.

Wednesday, February 07, 2001

Kenneth &uot;Fraidy&uot; Katt of rural Hartland has stumbled upon a solution to the problem of global warming.

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He leaves his refrigerator door open for one hour each day to help cool things off.

A gawker slowdown happened in Hartland on Thursday as everyone slowed down to watch the new stop sign being installed.

The first bus tour comes to Hartland.

200 residents came out to get into the bus and have the deluxe tour of the inside of the vehicle.

Hartland’s resident inventor, Edison Thomas, invents the silent car alarm. Unfortunately, his invention, featuring a flame-thrower, suffered a meltdown.

A local driver threw his cigarette out the window of his car, but it blew back into the backseat of the car. A passenger, in order to avoid the cigarette, jumped out of the car. He hit the pavement and was killed. It wasn’t the nicotine that killed him, it was the tar.

A worker at the local bakery climbed into an industrial dishwasher to clean it. The machine closed on the man and started up.

The man banged on the door, but could not attract any attention.

He spent 2 hours in the 180-degree wash cycle until co-workers released him.

He was kept in the hospital for a few hours for observation and to get the stains out of his clothes.

&uot;Marrying&uot; Marvin Matheson married his wife Marilyn for the 51st time. &uot;We’re just going to keep getting married until we get it right,&uot; said Marrying Marv.

Simon Sneedle of Sneedle And Son’s Septic Suckage Service of Hartland has made an exercise video called, &uot;How To Lose Weight By Inhaling.&uot;

Local resident Ambrose Amberson became so frustrated with the city’s rush hour traffic that he slammed his head on the steering wheel.

It was right at that moment that the driver told Ambrose to get off the bus.

Head of Hartland Mafia accused of giving a school crossing guard a dirty look.

Little Johnny Johnson continues to do his bird imitations. His mother says he is eating about a half-pound of worms each day.

Hartland resident Ralph Readswell has come up with a guaranteed way to lose weight. Ralph says that the secret is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Most restaurants will throw you out long before you even have a chance to take one bite.

The Hartland Loafers Club meets at the caf\u00E9 at noon; the members do nothing

and then go home and rest.

City officials, sick and tired of Minnesota winters, have petitioned to be annexed into the city of Phoenix, Arizona.

As soon as the last new car is sold, Hartland’s Studebaker-Packard dealership will be closing.

Local church serves Jell-O with goldfish in it.

They didn’t mean to – they just used the wrong bowl.

Lorelei Long marries Howard Hall.

The couple is getting ready for the Long-Hall.

Local store advertises big sale held two weeks ago.

Store’s marketing director looking for work.

Gail Batt of rural Hartland creates a husband action figure. The doll has been turned down by 27 toy companies, all of which found a husband action figure not believable.

A cement mixer collides with a prison van in downtown Hartland.

Motorists are warned to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

The Hartland Pet Shop hands out rare birds.

A Footless French Canary was given to each customer-no perches required.

Carmine Notyours of Hartland was arrested for selling dehydrated water to survivalists.

The Hartland Procrastinators’ Club meeting scheduled for today is postponed until tomorrow.

The city of Hartland closes for glacier repair.

Tommy Thompson marries Sandra Sanderson.

They chose &uot;Highway to Hell&uot; as their wedding song. The marriage is not expected to last.

Torvild Johnson took his dog Richard to the veterinarian to have Richard’s tail cut off. It seems that Torvild’s mother-in-law was coming for a visit and Torvild didn’t want anything to make her think she was welcome.

Doctor Splint Eastwood takes a 2-week vacation, advising his patients to watch &uot;General Hospital&uot; daily during his absence.

Township resident Culligan Lindsey has begun to make gasoline from horse. His vehicle doesn’t get very good mileage, but it sure put a stop to thieves siphoning his gas.

Hartland banker, Oscar Carl Guttormson, was hit by a train.

Oscar’s death was particularly hard on his nephew, Casper, who was very close to his uncle.

As police proved later, he was just close enough to have pushed his uncle onto the tracks.

Entire community proud of young Crandall who got a 100 in school last week-50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.