Column: These characters aren’t likely to make Lucas’s list

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, April 30, 2002

&uot;A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…&uot; &045;Opening credits in “Star Wars,” 1977

On Thursday, May 16, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones will be released in theaters across North America. This entry in the six-episode saga is supposed to detail some of the arcane events of the legendary Clone Wars. George Lucas’s timing for the release of this film was impeccable, given the current debate on the ethics of cloning.

Besides the issue of cloning, Episode II will also address the shrouded origin of the intergalactic bounty hunter, Boba Fett, depicting him as a child. According to the movie trailer, Fett the Younger is apparently the son of another nefarious bounty hunter, Jango Fett.

Email newsletter signup

When I heard that the next installment would include not only the cloning theme, but also the introduction of a new Fett character, it gave me a whole new idea: Cloning Fetts. Here are some of the new characters I came up with (which will most likely never make it past this column):

Jenga Fett, a homebody bounty hunter who enjoys playing table games, especially the ones that involve balancing blocks of wood upon each other. Not very effective at tracking outlaws, but a formidable opponent indeed when it comes to playing with Lincoln Logs or Pick-Up Sticks.

Bubba Fett, an overweight redneck bounty hunter who dresses in faded blue jeans and a cowboy hat and cruises around the deserts of Tatooine. Known to frequent many of the local cantinas. His favorite expression: “May the horse be with you!” Can be very easily identified by his belt buckle.

Mocha Fett, a bounty hunter who spends his days sipping lattes, cappuccinos, and espressos in the famed galactic cyber-caf, Jarbucks. Enjoys discussing technology and listening to alternative or rave music. Can be identified by his multiple tattoos and body piercings. Stays awake for days at a time.

Sanka Fett, the identical twin brother of Mocha Fett with a personality to match, with the exception that Sanka prefers decaffeinated beverages, and, consequently, is more rested.

Yoga Fett, a highly limber bounty hunter who can usually be found walking barefoot over hot coals or meditating in Jedi temples. A very spiritual, peaceful being who prefers reason over weapons when tracking his prey. Can be identified by his turban and six arms.

Bozo Fett, the practical joker of the bounty hunters. His arsenal includes high-pressure seltzer bottles; blasters that, instead of lasers, fire out a banner reading “BANG!”; and cream pies. When those fail, he will resort to opening a canister of nitrous oxide. Uses grease paint and a big red nose instead of a mask to conceal his identity. Wears giant floppy shoes.

Boba Fettish, an obsessive-compulsive bounty hunter who washes his hands 50 or 60 times a day, counts every step he takes whenever he walks somewhere and is meticulous about the placement of his possessions. Would probably catch his prey more often if he wasn’t so preoccupied with whether or not he remembered to lock the door to his house.

Hobo Fett, a transient former bounty hunter widely regarded as a bum. Depends on the kindness of strangers for his meals, or, failing that, theft. Has no transportation of his own, rather, he usually travels as a stowaway. Hasn’t worked in ages and is actually wanted for his crimes of theft.

Cloning wouldn’t have to be restricted to the Fetts, however. Until Episode I: The Phantom Menace was released, most people (myself included) thought that Darth was a name. Actually, it is more like a title, along the lines of “Sir.” This title is reserved for the Sith, the evil enemies of the Jedi. Cloning could also work with them. For example:

Darth Brooks, a singer who uses hypnotic suggestion in his songs to get his fans to do his bidding. The favorite singer of Bubba Fett.

Darth Nader, who uses his powers of persuasion to entice consumers to make the wrong decisions, leading them to purchase unsafe products.

It helps to be familiar with the Star Wars series to see the humor in this week’s column. I hope I haven’t alienated any of my readers.

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Tuesdays.