Column: From sleeping sharks to rabbit’s feet, Al has the answers

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, June 19, 2002

Another edition of &uot;Ask Al&uot;:&uot;What is the easiest way for me to make headlines?&uot; Get yourself a corduroy pillow.

&uot;My dog will chase anyone on a bicycle. What can I do to stop him?&uot; Take away his bicycle.

&uot;How do you cure water on the brain?&uot; With a tap on the head.

Email newsletter signup

&uot;What kind of vehicle is used to deliver Chinese food?&uot; A Wonton truck.

&uot;I’d like to skydive just once. Do you have any helpful suggestions?&uot; Yes. Don’t wear a parachute. If you want to go skydiving twice, then I’d recommend that you wear a parachute.

&uot;Why are men like guns?&uot; My wife tells me that if you keep either one around long enough, eventually you will want to shoot it.

&uot;In King Arthur’s Round Table, what was the name of the cowardly knight?&uot; Sir Render.

&uot;On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?&uot; The outside.

&uot;How do we know that sharks never sleep?&uot; Because they never buy pajamas.

&uot;I heard that there was a plane crash in Bath. What happened?&uot; It was a disaster. A two-seater Cessna 152 crashed into Bath Cemetery. So far, rescue workers have recovered 236 bodies and the number is expected to climb as the digging continues.

&uot;What is the hardest part of jumping out of an airplane?&uot; The ground.

&uot;Why does it become harder to lose weight as a person gets older?&uot; It is because your body and your fat become very good friends over time.

&uot;What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?&uot; The color.

&uot;Why are so many hockey players Canadian? It is because so many hockey players were born in Canada.

&uot;How can I stop smoking in bed?&uot; It is simple. First, buy a waterbed.

Second, fill it with gasoline.

&uot;I visited Hartland and found it charming except for one thing. People drive all over the road. What’s the deal?&uot; In some countries they drive on the right side of the road and in others they drive on the left. In Hartland we drive in the shade.

&uot;I found a four-leaf clover in a patch of poison ivy. What can I expect?&uot; A rash of good luck.

&uot;Who invented floodlights?&uot; Noah.

&uot;Why are the birds sometimes quiet in the mornings?&uot; They are feeling a little melancholy because their bills are over dew.

&uot;I have heard that there are strangers living in the basement of the Batt Cave?&uot; Those are only roomers.

&uot;Were you a good student in school?&uot; I made straight A’s. Unfortunately, my B’s were kind of crooked.

&uot;Why are the longest sports articles usually about pitchers in baseball?&uot; Because a pitcher is worth a thousand words.

&uot;What is your definition of irreconcilable differences?&uot; That would be when you discover that your wife is melting down her wedding ring and casting it into a bullet.

&uot;What is the big celebration in Hartland called?&uot; Friday.

&uot;Where did all of the old telephone booths go?&uot; Jimmy Hoffa has them.

&uot;Do you think all men can be a success?&uot; You bet. It is a rare man who will not shine sooner or later &045; either on the top of his head or on the seat of his pants.

&uot;Do you think a rabbit’s foot is really lucky?&uot; Yes. My cousin Poindexter carried one when he was run over by that garbage truck. He was carrying a rabbit’s foot both times he was hit by lightning and the time the helicopter crashed into his house. I can only imagine the bad luck he would have had if it were not for that rabbit’s foot.

&uot;My Saint Bernard gets carsick every time I take him for a ride. What should I give him?&uot; Plenty of room.

&uot;Was the old school in Hartland really tough?&uot; Tough? The school newspaper had an obituary column.

&uot;What was the biggest thing that ever happened in Bath?&uot; Probably the discovery of the cow chip that looked just like Richard Nixon.

&uot;Does Hartland have a 911 emergency service?&uot; Do we? There is a two-day waiting list.

&uot;Do you believe in unicorns?&uot; Believe in them? I have seen them. A unicorn is just a fancy name for one corncob.

&uot;I need to save some money. Any tips?&uot; Spit your mouthwash back into the bottle when you are through gargling. That way a bottle will last years. Don’t worry, the stuff kills germs.

&uot;What do skunks have that no other animal on earth has?&uot; Baby skunks.

&uot;How do you know when you’re a man?&uot; When you can leave the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty without even thinking.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.