Column: Lakeshore property in Hartland? It’s news from Harold

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, August 14, 2002

He is not a real newspaper, but he is a guy named Harold who is from Hartland and who knows what is going on. Here are some of his headlines:

Abdomino’s to open in Hartland. The combination health club and restaurant will feature sit-ups and pizza.

Buster Brown, local shoe repairman, says that great feet stink alike.

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Missing local Township Clerk found. &uot;I was just lost in thought,&uot; he explained. All agree that it certainly would be unfamiliar territory for him.

Research shows that the only thing standing between man and total happiness is reality.

Shirley Knott, local rich person, says that money really cannot buy happiness. She was just as happy when she had only $18 million as she is now with her $19 million.

Merrill Lee’s Institute for Common Sense closes due to lack of inventory.

Krispy Kreme doughnut franchise to open in Hartland in 2011. A line of people has already formed.

Local proctologist finds man’s head.

Dr. Splint Eastwood says people should not worry about smarting eyes. &uot;It just means someone is talking about them,&uot; says the revered physician.

Dr. Eastwood reports that a new disease with no symptoms has been discovered. It is impossible to detect and there are no symptoms. Fortunately, no cases have been reported so far.

Ima Rider feels sick every time her carpool passes under a certain tunnel. Doctor Eastwood diagnosed her problem as carpool tunnel syndrome.

Local teacher, Horatio Algebra, takes two-year leave of absence. Old filmstrips to be shown during his absence. All of the local school’s math students will be wearing eyeglasses this year. &uot;Glasses help with division,&uot; says Horatio Algebra.

Fortune cookies served at Bath Cafe. They feature such pearls of wisdom as, &uot;Your lucky day was yesterday,&uot; and &uot;The cook doesn’t wash his hands.&uot;

The area’s newest chef, Sue Flay, says that eggs are so fresh at the Mule Lake Cafe that the hens haven’t even had time to miss them. The Mule Lake Cafe continues to offer a vegetarian menu featuring, Approximeat, Almost A Roast, MisSteak and I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Dead Animal.

Local youth arrested for smoking carp.

Hartland Day, formerly known as Hartland Days, has been reduced to Hartland Half-Day. Not starting the festivities until the afternoon is not expected to wake quite so many people.

Resident, Bob Whiner, returns hot water bottle he purchased recently at the Take It Or Leave It Store. &uot;It wasn’t even warm,&uot; he complained. This follows his return of a necktie because it was too tight.

The Amazing Harland From Hartland bends a spoon with his head in front of nearly tens of stunned spectators.

The Hartland Hotel opens. It features low rates, but no overnight stays.

No one participates in the Annual Prozac Users’ Toughman Competition.

Gov. Ventura gives a glowing report of his visit to Hartland. &uot;It was okay, I guess,&uot; says Jesse the Body. &uot;The restroom was clean and there was a roll of toilet paper in there.&uot;

Researchers at Hartland College have proven almost beyond a reasonable doubt that living in Hartland will cause the average American to extend his life expectancy by 6.5 minutes.

Lakeshore property demands a record price. &uot;This kind of property is so expensive because Hartland doesn’t have a lake,&uot; says local realtor, Oscar de la Rental.

Historical records recall the trial of the woman who folded her clothes improperly. The jury had no choice but to hanger.

Team researching the thickness of lake ice has a real breakthrough. Local cattle impressed with rancher’s new branding iron.

Fire breaks out at Tom’s Barber Shop. &uot;It was a close shave,&uot; reports local fire chief. &uot;But everyone got out by a whisker.&uot;

Curb your appetite at Hartland’s new drive-in restaurant, &uot;Belly Whistles.&uot;

Local terrorist arrested after burning his lips on a tailpipe while attempting to blow up a Buick.

Teller in local bank pushes man who inquires as to his balance.

Local attorney, Sue Moore, practices dental law. She works on a retainer.

Local contortionist goes berserk and is told to get a grip on himself.

Truck overturns on Highway 13 and loses its cargo of 5000 pounds of toupes. State police are combing the area.

Local hockey team nearly drowns during spring training.

The crop circles reported in the Hartland area prove to be soybeans.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.