Column: Hungry for answers? Try a big-old helping of ‘Ask Al’

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, November 6, 2002

&uot;What is ET short for?&uot; I think it’s because of those short little legs of his.

&uot;People in Minnesota have told me about horned forest rats. Could you tell me what they are?&uot; Sure. The horned forest rat is some folks’ pet name for deer.

&uot;I heard that there was a fight in Hartland’s seafood restaurant, Long Ole Lobster’s. What happened?&uot; A couple of fish got battered.

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&uot;The other night I drove through Hartland and there were at least 30 tractors in town. What was going on?&uot; It was prom night.

&uot;Each morning, while I have breakfast, I look out the window and watch ducks eating their breakfast along the shore of the lake. What are they eating?&uot; Quacker Oats.

&uot;If I throw a red rock into the blue sea, what will it become?&uot; Wet.

&uot;What is your definition of a poor man?&uot; A poor man is one who has only one thing &045; money.

&uot;Why don’t you ever buy lottery tickets?&uot; Because I took arithmetic when I was in school.

&uot;I’m raising a rabbit indoors. Do you see any problems with that?&uot; Yes. You will end up with an ingrown hare.

&uot;What is tofu?&uot; It is an exotic martial arts form that concentrates all the energy from one’s body into the big toe.

&uot;Why did your neighbor feed his sheep iron-enriched vitamins?&uot; Crandall wants to raise some steel wool.

&uot;Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ‘People only see what they are prepared to see.’ What did he mean by that?&uot; I don’t know, but I am guessing that he never saw Hugh Mungus wearing a Speedo.

&uot;What is a group of swallows called?&uot; A gulp.

&uot;How can I identify a Bald Eagle?&uot; All of the feathers on his head are combed to one side.

&uot;Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?&uot; At the bottom.

&uot;What is a wok?&uot; A wok is something you throw at a wabbit.

&uot;Why doesn’t Sweden export cattle?&uot; It wants to keep its Stockholm.

&uot;How can I keep my husband from reading my diary?’ Keep it in a file labeled &uot;Instruction Manuals.&uot;

&uot;What is another name for a sex-change operation?&uot; Artificial infemination.

&uot;Haven’t I seen your face somewhere else?&uot; I don’t think so. It has always been between my ears.

&uot;What do you get if you cross a shellfish and a rabbit? &uot;The Oyster Bunny.&uot;

&uot;Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?&uot; The pickup truck with the bumper sticker reading, &uot;Guns don’t kill people. I do.&uot;

&uot;There is a large black bird in my yard making a lot of noise. Why is he doing this?&uot; It sounds like crowing pains to me.

&uot;Is your neighbor, Crandall, a little paranoid?&uot; Crandall says that is just what all of his enemies would like you to believe.

&uot;Is the fried carp and noodles at the Mule Lake Cafe really as good as you say?&uot; Trust me, it is the best thing since sliced tea.

&uot;My shoes are too tight and hurt my feet. Should I throw them out?&uot; No. Keep them. They will always do in a pinch.

&uot;Why does Manchester always get so much snow?&uot; The Weather Service tells me it is because Manchester is situated exactly at the point where the hot air from Hartland meets the cold air from Iowa.

&uot;What is the population of Hartland?&uot; It is 288 when the light is red and the Odd Fellows Club is holding a meeting.

&uot;I listen to crows calling back and forth to one another from a distance. What are they saying?&uot; They are cell phone users and are asking, &uot;Can you hear me now?&uot;

&uot;I understand that you used to be a window washer. When did you give that up?&uot; About halfway down.

&uot;I didn’t see any trick-or-treaters dressed up like Minnesota Vikings this year at Halloween. How come?&uot; Who would they be able to scare?

&uot;I thought your neighbor Crandall was too cheap to put up a bird feeder, but I see that he has. What gives?&uot; He put it up so he could save money on cat food.

&uot;Why aren’t the folks who live in Hartland supposed to put out their garbage on a rainy day?&uot; Officials are worried that the city would make its own gravy.

&uot;Is there a health club in Hartland?&uot; Yes, it is made up of a group of folks who meet at the cafe for a breakfast of oatmeal each morning.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.