Column: Insightful answers on gender relations and other odd stuff

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, June 11, 2003

People ask the greatest questions.

I will attempt to answer a few.

&uot;Is your neighbor, Crandall, really as lazy as you say he is?&uot; Is he ever. When he milked cows, the cows had to jump up and down while Crandall just held on.

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&uot;Were you a good student when you were in school?&uot; I had to have a tutor just to get through recess.

&uot;While visiting Hartland, I spotted a large lizard between two buildings. What was that creature?&uot; An alleygator.

&uot;How did the chihuahua ever come to be?&uot; As a proud former owner of a chihuahua, I can tell you that the chihuahua is a cross between a hamster and a pitbull.

&uot;What is the difference between a Norwegian and a Swede?&uot; My grandmother, who moved to this country from Sweden, told me that a Swede is just a Norwegian who learned how to read.

&uot;When were the ‘good old days?’&uot; They were the days before loud car stereos when a person was able to listen to the music he or she wanted to hear.

&uot;Isn’t snow beautiful?&uot; Nothing in nature is more beautiful than a single snowflake. Unfortunately, they seldom come that way.

&uot;Do you like baseball?&uot; I love the game. Where else can you find three minutes of action crammed into three hours?

&uot;What is the biggest difference between the cars of today and the ones of 1950?&uot; About 53 years.

&uot;What is the difference between one yard and two yards?&uot; A fence.

&uot;I am extremely shy. Any advice for me?&uot; Yes, be yourself. You may have a city named after you some day like another bashful woman. I am sure that you have heard of Shy Ann, Wyoming.

&uot;How come women live longer than men?&uot; The real question is with that being true, why are most funeral directors male?

&uot;My doorbell doesn’t work because it has a short circuit in the wiring. Any advice?&uot; Sure, lengthen it.

&uot;Dear Abby: I find myself continually asking advice from complete strangers. Please help.&uot; Dear Abby isn’t here, but if she were, I am sure she would advise you to keep it up.

&uot;What kind of dog do you have &045; a setter or a pointer?&uot; Neither. She is an upsetter and a disappointer, but I love her anyway.

&uot;What is your favorite entree on the menu in a Chinese restaurant?&uot; I love number 88 &045; or if they don’t have it, I will order a number 60 with a little 28 on the side.

&uot;My wife calls her mother every day. What can I do?&uot; Get your wife a telephone and save her voice.

&uot;I am addicted to nicotine patches. What can I do?&uot; Take up smoking.

&uot;Why do so many men love baseball?&uot; It gives them something to watch instead of doing household chores or lawnwork.

&uot;How do I know if my SUV is too big?&uot; Ask yourself four questions. If you answer &uot;yes&uot; to three or more, it is too big. Could you park your other car inside it? Do your children think of getting on a bus as downsizing? Does your SUV have its own Starbucks franchise? Is it being orbited by a Geo Metro?

&uot;I would love to meet your neighbor Crandall. Does he have any identifying characteristics that might help me recognize him?&uot; Yes, one of his ears is bigger than the other two.

&uot;What do you think is the biggest cause of divorce?&uot; TV remotes. Couples tended to stay married when a man needed his wife to get up and change the channel for him.

&uot;What is the chief cause of global warming?&uot; Leaf blowers.

&uot;What does the term ‘jargon’ mean?&uot; It means that you might have been the victim of a jar thief.

&uot;Does your dog chase cars?&uot; No, but she chases everyone on a bicycle. It has gotten so bad that I had to take her bicycle away.

&uot;Do you really drive an old pickup?&uot; Do I ever! It is so old that its vehicle identification number (VIN) is 000000000001.

&uot;Do you believe that a smile should be your umbrella?&uot; My uncle Buck believed that right up until the time that bolt of lightning hit him and embedded his false teeth in the old oak tree.

&uot;I have heard that a bird group that you belong to is sponsored by a liquor company. Is that correct?&uot; It is true. I am a proud Tequila Mockingbird.

&uot;Do you think a Norwegian goldfish makes a good pet?&uot; No, the one I had drowned.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.