Column: The mystery about three deep holes on the Batt farm is solved

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Here’s another feeble attempt on my part at answering readers’ questions.

&uot;What can I do to lighten up my garden?&uot; Plant light bulbs.

&uot;What happens if you pull a nose hair from your left nostril?&uot; Your left eyelid will slam shut.

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&uot;Have you ever owned a Jane Fonda workout video?&uot; Yes, &uot;On Golden Pond.&uot;

&uot;How can I tell if a Minnesotan is an extrovert?&uot; He stares down at your shoes instead of his.

&uot;How can I keep my husband from reading my diary?&uot; Write it in an instruction manual.

&uot;What kinds of people were punished in the stocks?&uot; Small investors.

&uot;Why is one side of the V-formation of flying geese longer than the other?&uot; There are more geese on one side.

&uot;What is a dinner jacket?&uot; One with sandwiches in the pocket.

&uot;Are we really that overweight as a nation?&uot; This country has become a vast waistland.

&uot;What did you do before you became a columnist?&uot; I was a house painter for 7 years.

I didn’t think I’d ever finish painting that house.

&uot;When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?&uot; Possibly.

&uot;If I don’t have toast for breakfast, I feel light-headed and tend to get grumpy.

What’s wrong with me?&uot; It sounds like you are lack-toast intolerant.

&uot;What is the best thing for my liver?&uot; Onions.

&uot;Where did you ride a horse when you were a boy?&uot; On its back.

&uot;Where do people put ketchup on their hot dogs?&uot; In kindergarten.

&uot;I understand you are from Minnesota. What part?&uot; All of me.

&uot;The Minnesota Office of Tourism says that you sometimes work for them. What do you do?&uot; My job is to tell everyone that I’m from North Dakota.

&uot;What can I do to stay happily married?&uot; Keep your wife from realizing that she could have dome much better than you.

&uot;Should I tip a blackjack dealer?&uot; You should only tip someone who gives you what you want.

&uot;Why aren’t there as many turtles as there used to be?&uot; The late fees are killing them.

&uot;Can I skydive without a parachute?&uot; Sure. You don’t need a parachute to skydive unless you want to do it more than once.

&uot;What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?&uot; As fur away as possible.

&uot;You are older than your wife. So how come she is wise and you are immature?&uot; I had first choice.

&uot;Are you in the phone book?&uot; Yes, I make it every year.

&uot;Can you tell me anything about those three deep holes on your farm?&uot; Well, well, well.

&uot;Is there another name for the grandfather clock?&uot; Yes, an old-timer.

&uot;Have you ever lived in a small house?&uot; Have I ever. My wife and I once lived in a house that was so small that when we painted the walls, they stuck together.

&uot;Why does a ball get bigger and bigger the closer it gets to me?&uot; Don’t worry, one day the

answer will hit you.

“How do psychiatrists relax?” They stop and smell the neuroses.

&uot;Do you get The Weather Channel at your house?&uot; No, but we have something just like it.

It’s called a window.

&uot;What does it mean when I get a letter with lipstick on it?&uot; It means that someone at the post office has a crush on you.

&uot;How much sleep do you need each night?&uot; Five more minutes than I get.

&uot;What is the answer to the common cold?&uot; Gesundheit.

&uot;What are the top 10 reasons to procrastinate?&uot; Number 1.

&uot;What’s the safest way to drive in the rain?&uot; Make sure it’s a driving rain.

&uot;Your wife told me that you gave a name to a dead squirrel. What’s the name?&uot;


&uot;Are the mosquitoes in Minnesota big?&uot; Yes, they are a cross between Dracula and a Boeing 747.

&uot;What is hootch?&uot; It’s a skin irritation caused by handling owls.

&uot;Are drivers worse than they used to be? I’ve been driving for over 40 years.&uot; You must be exhausted. Why don’t you pull over and get a cup of coffee?

&uot;Where were you born?&uot; Contrary to popular opinion, I was born right here on Earth.

&uot;Did you ever go on a class trip?&uot; Once when our teacher tied all of the students’ shoelaces together.

&uot;Who said that the sun never sets on the British Empire?&uot; Some Englishman who couldn’t get a good night’s sleep because of the light.

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)