Column: Hartland news travels fast through Hartland Harold

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, August 3, 2005

Hartland doesn’t have a newspaper, but it does have Hartland Harold. Here are the headlines according to Hartland Harold.

Bank in West Hartland closes. Banker Nora Lender Bee says, &uot;Every time someone gets any money, they leave town.&uot;

Hartland Aquarium is stocked with live minnows.

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Bath and Beyond Your Budget opens in North Hartland.

Hal O’Agin’s Hearing Aid Center holds unheard of sale.

Echo Point is not one to repeat everything it hears.

Every day is &uot;Bring Your Kid to Work Day&uot; at the North Hartland Sweat Shop.

Whale oil offered in gas pumps outside the South Hartland Bait and Sushi Shop.

The Mayo Clinic office in East Hartland, getting on board with today’s diet and health conscious society, changes its name. It’s now the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.

&uot;Let My People Go&uot; bran cereal now available at the Not So Supermarket.

A new bed and breakfast opens in Hartland. It features seven turkeys in the yard. It is called, &uot;The House of 7 Gobbles.&uot;

WEHTHUR. There’s a bad spell of weather ahead.

Hartland Drill Company improves its quality control bit by bit.

Research shows that the vehicle drivers are most likely to rear-end is the one in front of them.

Bath street department moves potholes. This was necessary because motorists were beginning to memorize the locations.

Bath Sanitation Department in crisis after goat dies.

Drive-through restaurant opens to help customers curb their appetites.

Fridge Adair’s Appliance holds “Past reputation for future prices” sale.

&uot;Buy one for the price of two and get another free.&uot;

Hartland School For the Numb stops teaching subtraction in the hopes all of its students will be

getting government jobs.

Sal Amander’s Pet Shop stops selling flea collars because no one has pet fleas anymore.

Denton Fender says this about his Out Of Body Shop, “We do three kinds of jobs: cheap, quick and good. You can have any two. A good, quick job won’t be cheap. A good job, cheap, won’t be quick. A cheap job, quick, won’t be good. May we have the next dents.”

Orson Buggy, pest exterminator, makes mouse calls.

It’s thirst come, thirst served at the West Hartland Cafe located in West Hartland.

Local dentist, Phil Eng, convicted of incisor trading.

Thistles hire Sue First to file restraining order against local farmer, Earl E. Reiser.

The fish are always biting at Lake Inferior. Unfortunately, they’re piranhas.

Unlucky Charms Breakfast Cereal plant destroyed by fire caused by lone bolt of lightning on an otherwise sunny day.

The North Hartland Cafe offers food just like your mother used to thaw.

Late braking gnus cause accident at Hartland Zoo. The Zoo closes after the giraffe comes down with strep throat. They will offer giant turtle rides for only $2 for 16 hours when they reopen.

Thanks to an error by the makers of the uniforms, the Hartland Warriors baseball team has changed its name to the Worriers.

Clay Pigeon opens Blunt Instrument Shop in back of Gun Shop.

Sword swallower goes on a diet and begins to swallow nails.

Hugh Mungus wins national lutefisk championship by eating five pounds of the stuff. It wasn’t

much of a challenge as Hugh Mungus had to eat 10 pounds to win the Hartland City Championship.

The Orange and Purple Funeral Home opens in Hartland. It’s a hearse of a different color.

Bakery institutes torte reform.

The South Hartland town dump is so full that it will start to refuse refuse.

The North Hartland Computer Company reveals expansion plans. Says the president of the company, Gene Yuss, &uot;We’re so crowded, we can’t get a nerd in edgewise.&uot;

Mayor of Bath annexes property so that he would have enough room to eat a foot-long hotdog.

Old Volks Home opens in Hartland to provide garaging for aging German vehicles.

Dairy Aire Farm uses bungee jumps to scare the milk out of the Holsteins.

Bull escapes and is found near Brainerd.

This proves that a little bull can go a long way.

Hartland Players having difficulty filling the roll of the Tinman in &uot;The Wizard of Oz.&uot; They may be forced to cast iron.

East Hartland nears fever pitch as the city readies for the annual Running of the Holsteins.

Adventures in Dentures opens false teeth factory in North Hartland.

Conan the Barber is the fellow who knows every short cut.

Chef at the Bath Cafe quits. He didn’t have the skillet to be good at the job.

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)