Al Batt, Tales from Exit 22

I have the best readers who ask the best questions.

Here&8217;s another lame attempt on my part to answer those questions.

&8220;I&8217;ve been invited to a house party. What would make a good hostess gift?&8221; A Hostess Twinkie.

&8220;What are the five senses?&8221; Nickels.

&8220;What is the big difference between living in Hartland and living in some big city?&8221; If there is an unmarked hole in the sidewalk in Hartland and someone steps into it, that person is called an

&8220;idiot.&8221; If the same thing happens in a big city, that person is called a “plaintiff.&8221;

&8220;Why are they called &8216;fishes&8217;?&8221; Because if they were easy to catch, they&8217;d be called &8220;catches.&8221;

&8220;What is the orneriest creature on the planet?&8221; It would have to be the crocigator. It has a crocodile head at one end and an alligator head on the other. It can eat at both ends, but it can&8217;t poop at either.

This tends to make it surly.

&8220;Do you still play softball?&8221; No, I played so long that I could no longer tell a ball from a strike, so I had no choice&8212;I either had to retire or become an umpire.

&8220;Is Lapland heavily populated?&8221; No, there aren&8217;t many Lapps to the mile.

&8220;Why does a tiger have stripes?&8221; So it won&8217;t be spotted.

&8220;How do you mold young minds?&8221; Have them think about fungi.

&8220;How come you don&8217;t fish?&8221; I&8217;ve tried to, but it makes me reel tired.

&8220;What is the fear of the high prices called?&8221; Costrophobia.

&8220;Where do you hold your family reunions?&8221; On an episode of Cops.

&8220;Is there any food that tastes like it sounds?&8221; There are three: yogurt, goulash, and squid.

&8220;Why do dollar bills smell?&8221; It&8217;s the govern-mint.

&8220;Are you good at multi-tasking?&8221; Only after my wife has done some multi-asking.

&8220;How do bees get into the hive?&8221; Another bee buzzes them in.

&8220;Who should control the thermostat?&8221; He (or she) who fills the tank turns the crank.

&8220;How can I avoid falling hair?&8221; Step to one side.

&8220;What kind of person likes to watch birds?&8221; People who enjoy seeing fowl play.

&8220;Why do little boys whine so much?&8221; They&8217;re practicing to be men.

&8220;Have you ever worn contact lenses?&8221; I tried them once, but I had to take them out to blink.

&8220;Are you left-brained or right-brained?&8221; I&8217;m lame-brained.

&8220;What are the chances of winning the lottery?&8221; They&8217;re 50-50; either you win or you don&8217;t.

&8220;What&8217;s the nearest thing to silver?&8221; The Lone Ranger&8217;s bottom.

&8220;What was the pet rabbit you had as a boy named?&8221; Stew. He disappeared mysteriously during a lunch hour.

&8220;Is learning to bake an easy thing?&8221; It’s a piece of cake.

&8220;What is it called when a bird flies into a window?&8221; A feather bender.

&8220;What makes a good juggler?&8221; A person who lets his left hand know what his right hand is doing.

&8220;What was a buccaneer?&8221; A lot of money to pay for sweet corn.

&8220;How poor were you while you were growing up?&8221; We were so poor, we ate used food.

&8220;What did the senior citizen chicken say after it crossed the road?&8221; What am I doing here?

&8220;What do two wrongs make?&8221; A hotdish.

&8220;Why does your car always make a funny noise?&8221; It&8217;s because there is a clown driving it.

&8220;Are you Freudian?&8221; I claim to be, but I&8217;m really Jung at heart.

&8220;What is one of the symptoms of mad cow disease?&8221; The willingness to eat lutefisk.

&8220;What does guacamole mean?&8221; It&8217;s the Spanish word for caulking.

&8220;You have talked about a potato clock. What&8217;s a potato clock?&8221; You set the alarm and it wakes you at potato clock.

&8220;Have you gained much weight since you graduated from high school?&8221; Not really. I can still get into the necktie I wore when I was in high school.

&8220;What is G-major?&8221; It&8217;s what the captain said when he was promoted.

&8220;When is your seminar on how to overcome procrastination?&8221; It was two weeks ago.

&8220;Did you have a tough childhood?&8221; Did I? I had to walk three miles through snow just to change the TV channel.

&8220;How can I spot a pickpocket?&8221; He&8217;ll be the fellow near you when you discover you have three hands in your pockets.

&8220;Why do so many husbands snore?&8221; It&8217;s an instinctual thing, meant to emulate a growl so as to protect loved ones while the master is sleeping.

&8220;Can animals predict bad weather?&8221; I&8217;m not sure, but if your dog borrows the car keys and drives off, you might want to go to the basement.

(Hartland resident Al Batt is a card. The joker&8217;s columns appear in the Tribune on Wednesdays and Sundays.)