QUESTION: We’re starting into a new school year and my children are at different skill levels academically: One works really hard and gets A’s and B’s, one rarely does any homework and gets A’s and B’s and one gets C’s and B’s with steady effort. I want to praise and motivate all three of them, but when I do, it begins to feel really competitive.

ANSWER: I think what you really want to do is encourage all three of your children. Praise is a reward given for being at the top: we use words like good, great and excellent. Most of us grew up being motivated by those words, or being discouraged by not receiving them.

Encouragement, though, is given for trying and for improvement. The parent who encourages is not focusing on comparisons or competition, but on contributions and the courage to face difficult tasks.

Take some time to identify the people is your childhood who encouraged you and remember how they did it. Last week I asked a group to identify the authority figures in their childhood that they knew where “on their side” — the ones that they felt a sense of comfort and pleasure about when they walked into a room. The people named included a mother, a father, a grandmother, a grandfather, an older sister, an older brother, a teacher and an “adopted” aunt.

Here are some encouraging phrases that convey affirmation and support without creating competition:

I appreciate your taking the time to study.

I’m glad you enjoy learning.

You really worked hard on that.

You spent a lot of time thinking that through.

You have creative ideas.

I admire your doing every step of the process you were asked to do.

I’ll be glad to help if you ask; I learn things from working with you.

I’ll be glad to listen. You’ve figured it out before when you’ve talked it through out loud.

I’m impressed with the way you handled that situation.

We thrive when people notice what we’re doing, recognize the amount of effort it is taking, value our accomplishments and appreciate the skill we are developing.

If you would like to talk about the challenges of raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204/Lnea de Apoyo y Comprensin Paterna al — 1-877-434-9528. For free emergency child care, call the Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org.

Maryanne Law is the executive director of the Parenting Resource Center in Austin.