The holidays are right around the corner and you know what that means? Family.

Family and the holidays go together like peanut butter and liver or Viking and Packer fans. What I am trying to say is that the holiday and family togetherness is not always exactly the warm and fuzzy Cleaver-like family that you wish it to be. Sometimes it is more like the Manson family.

Now, do not fear as I am here to help you get through the next few weeks. After reading this column, you will be able to steadily and thoughtfully handle any family problem that may arise during the holidays.

Family Problem No. 1, the family member that no one likes: Now this year, my sister finally divorced my ex-brother-in-law (yeah!) so this will not be a problem in our family this year. Basically you can do a couple things about this person. No. 1, you can pray that this person is sick or has to work and just will not attend family festivities. No. 2 is you can again try very hard while biting your lip to kill this person with kindness. I know you would rather just kill this person, but this way you do not have to go to jail. Make a game of who can be the nicest person to this in-law and the winner gets to not attend the next family function. Finally, you can drink enough eggnog that this person becomes bearable and you just cowboy up. Tough I know, but hopefully it is only a few hours.

Family Problem No. 2, the middle child’s emotional mess: OK, Jan Brady, we all know Marcia is prettier and Cindi is the baby and gets more attention, but damn you need to get over it. I suggest having the middle child host the holiday event at his or her house and then praise them for every little thing possible. Praise the house, the décor, the food and the car they drive. Really pour it on. I also suggest therapy.

Family Problem No. 3, Moms’ favorite: This is the sibling that could have committed murder, twice and is still mom’s favorite. The person most annoyed by this person is the sibling that does the most for mom, but does not get any credit at all. MF (mom’s favorite) is usually sort of mixed up a bit, but mom explains it away with phrases like, “he/she is such a hard worker.” or “If he/she could just get a break.” MF is still riding high on the seventh-grade ceramic planter that mom still has on her shelf, next to a picture of, you guessed it, MF.

The best way to handle MF is to make this person do the dishes, run to the store or carry the chairs to the garage and have them work at earning his or her keep. Other than that MF does not really cause any problems, so just be nice and keep peace.

Family Problem No. 4 the inflexible family member: This is the person who says if we are eating at 2 p.m., then there should be no football game on television. This is also the person who gets really irritated when someone in the family shows up a bit late because of a snowstorm or the kids are sick. Inflexible family member tends to let everyone how he/she feels when irritated, but does so with a whisper under his or her breath to the closest family member or even to himself or herself The best way to handle this person is to try and stick to the plan as best as you can to limit the amount of stress this person has because it is more stressful if this person gets irritated.

Family Problem No. 5, the really loud family member: This person is also usually the relative who is drinking beer as studies have shown that drinking beer and hearing loss go hand in hand. Other than banning beer from this person the best thing to do is to get people earplugs. Earplugs are also excellent for political know-it-all family members and baby-that-never-stops-crying family member. Another trick is to set up a front porch or basement area that you can guide any of these people to when the loudness starts.

Family Problem No. 6, the topper: This is the person who, no matter what, will top your story. If you happened to land on the moon, then topper landed on Saturn.

Topper’s children are the best at everything and the vehicle they drive is better and newer than yours. Again dealing with topper is best handled as a side game. Try and push the topper’s limits of what he or she can top. Push the envelope and mention that you met Tiger Woods or went to a Broadway play and just see what topper pulls out.

Again eggnog, a beer, or a glass of wine is good in this situation because it will help mellow you out and not want to hurt topper. I believe the more you can control a situation, especially with family, the better off you are.

Well, I hope I may have helped you plot a better way to deal with family during the upcoming holiday season. I think I tried to cover most of the family members that you will run into, but if I forgot, please feel free to write or e-mail me with your family member dilemma as well as how you would handle it.

Cheers!

Loss of a legend

Dr. Niles Shoff passed away this week, and I have to say that Albert Lea lost its biggest fan. Ever since I moved to town Dr. Shoff has always made the time to help me with anything. He was a kind man who knew and could recite at the drop of hat historical facts about Albert Lea and the people who have lived here. My prayers and thoughts go out to his wife and family as they mourn a true Albert Lea legend.

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.