Al Batt, Tales from Exit 22

It’s a column on a stick about a fair on a stick.

I joined other motorists as we creeped and beeped our way along congested roads leading to the fairgrounds. Sometimes the demolition derby takes place before we make it to the Minnesota State Fair.

I used to wear my town clothes to the fair. Now every day is Casual Friday at the fair. The fair can be unfair. One day, you need a rain suit, sunscreen the next. I howdied a gate attendant with an entire dictionary tattooed onto his body.

The fair is where I wait in one line in order to wait in a different line. The busiest spots at the State Fair were those featuring a strong cell phone signal. Cornhusking contests have been replaced by text messaging competitions. The fair is a compost heap of saltwater taffy, aggressive yellowjackets and a sculpted butter head of Princess Kay of the Milky Way that affords no margarine for error. My buffoonish ways felt at home as I studied a giant slide. Each year, 200,000 people climb the 103 steps to slide 170-feet down to where they had been.

The State Fair is where smells of pork and pork chops mingle.

There is no such thing as a free lunch at the fair, unless you like tap water and grass clippings. I followed the trail of drool as fair-goers fondled fried foodstuffs. The fair is a place to eat fried pig ears, camel on-a-stick, and Kool-Aid pickles.

The attendance in 2009 was 1,790,497. Those people ate everything from alligators to zucchini. They used 22,000 rolls of toilet paper. That sounds like a lot, but not when you consider that those folks were devouring everything from alligators to zucchini.

Fair-goers eat about 500,000 corn dogs each year. You can get a corn dog at a grocery store but not a Pronto Pup. I always thought that corn dogs had corn in them and Pronto Pups had flour — cornmeal versus pancake batter. I questioned vendors at the fair. Some said that was true; others said that both use cornmeal. Several added that corndogs contained more sugar. Both are battered hot dogs on a stick, and one fellow at the fair ate 10 Pronto Pups in three minutes to win a contest.

I walked around the grounds with 126,822 of my closest personal friends. A descent into madness. I sang, “You ain’t nothing but a corn dog” while looking at foods. It was difficult to keep my eyebrows down. Some foods looked tempting, others appeared as succulent as sawdust, as appetizing as soap, and as mouthwatering as a lint-covered cough drop.

I paid for goodies with trinkets, pelts and major credit cards. I got advice. Eat. You’re not going to live forever no matter what you eat. You’ve had a good run. Eat more mini-doughnuts. If you eat while standing up, the calories go to your feet and can be walked off easily.

One day, I’m going to have my own do-it-yourself, deep-fried hotdish on-a-stick stand. Kids fry free. Maybe I’ll sell a stick of celery on-a-stick to the health-conscious. It could work.

Let he who is without sin cast the first cheese curd.

The news from Hartland

CNN never visits Hartland. They’re missing out. Here are the latest headlines according to Hartland Harold.

Kick a few calories around with the Knights of the Bent Fork at Echoes Restaurant, but don’t say anything you don’t want repeated.

Patrons agree that Arthritis Bar is a swell joint.

Tobacco juice reflecting pond installed outside the Hartland Worriers’ baseball field.

Wallpaper shop goes out of business. Owner admits that it was a mistake going paperless.

Dead batteries free of charge at Softy’s Hardware.

Stop at Crash’s Brake Shop if you can.

School cuts history classes, requiring students to watch the History Channel instead.

Constable Hank Uft said that his city is not a speed trap, even though strangers can be ticketed for driving with cash. Drive the speed limit at your own peril.

Ask Al

The customers of this column ask the greatest questions. I endeavor to provide answers.

“What question is asked most often at the Hartland Zoo and Bait Shop?” It’s “How do I get my money back?”

“Where did you go on vacations when you were a kid?” We typically went to Einar’s Hardware, but one memorable year, we went to Carpet World.

“The cuckoo in my cuckoo clock comes out backwards. What’s wrong?” It’s either bashful or has no sense of direction.

“How do people take milk showers?” They use tall cows.

“Do you ever get lost?” Not really. I always know that where I need to be is over there somewhere.

“What is man’s greatest invention?” It’s either electricity or cheesecake.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.