Will Durst, Raging Moderate

Man, oh man, I’m mad. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore. Take what? I don’t know. And that makes me mad. Angry. Riled up. Cranky. Irate. Livid. Bellicose. Splenetic. Which has something to do with the spleen. Think it involves leakage. Whatever it is, it can’t be good and I got it.

I’m mad at everything and everybody, but especially at career politicians. Not to mention career pediatricians. From now on, one of my kids gets sick, I’m taking them to see some incensed old coot straight off the street carrying a misspelled sign. Experience is way over-rated. Why can’t U.S. Senator be an entry-level position?

I’m mad about paying taxes. Because I don’t like paying taxes. I’m tired of my hard-earned money wasted on silly things like roads and air traffic controllers and paramedics and pipeline inspectors. And flossing. I hate that too. Who needs teeth? Members of the lamestream media elite, that’s who. So they can lie through them. Those guys I’m mad at because they keep running stories about me being mad.

I’m mad at the government’s nit-picking rules. Let corporations regulate themselves. They know what they’re doing. I’m mad because I have to work two jobs to get by and I’m mad rich people don’t get more tax cuts. I’m mad about all the jobs that went overseas and I’m mad at unions demanding a living wage. I’m mad my life isn’t better than my parents’ and I’m mad I can’t have everything now and force my children to pay for it. And knowing I’m confused just fuels the maddening.

I’m mad our Muslim President was born in Kenya. And don’t bother me with your so-called facts. I know what I know, and it makes me so mad I could just spit. So I do. Often. Right into the wind. And having the front of my shirt constantly moist just gooses the scale of how mad I am.

I’m mad at the parties. All parties. Political parties and birthday parties and tailgate parties. I’m mad at Democrats because they’re the polar opposite of mad and I’m mad at Republicans because they’re mad at me. And if my maddish spews hurt them, tough. Because they’re not as mad as I am. I’m so mad I’ll bite off both my hands one finger at a time if that’s what it takes. To prove I’m mad. Which I am.

I’m mad at immigrants for doing jobs that are beneath me. I’m mad at the French. I’m mad at French’s mustard. I’m mad at people who put ketchup on hot dogs. I’m even mad at people who are mad at people who put ketchup on hot dogs. You can never hope to replicate the purity of my precious maditude.

Some folks don’t ever get mad, which makes me maddest of all. The hell is wrong with these people? These uppity, madless ones. Oooh, they make me so mad. But they will be mad. Soon enough. Because my madness is going to bloom and grow until everyone is as mad as me. Which is going to be tough. Because I’m really, really mad. Did I mention I was mad? Good. Because I am. Mad, that is. Man, oh man, I’m mad.

Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political columnist who also tells jokes sometimes. His new CD, “Raging Moderate,” is now available from Stand Up! Records on both iTunes and Amazon. Coming next year: “Where the Rogue Things Go.”