Al Batt, Tales From Exit 22

I’m extra-Minnesotan.

I love our seasons so much that I wish we had 49 seasons a year. Oh, wait. We have 49 seasons a year now.

Each season has its rough patches. I’ve spent much of my summer driving down a highway named, “Road Work Ahead.” It’s as rough as a cob. It loosens fillings and attracts vehicles with blinking lights of various hues and flagmen (flagpeople?) who not only tell me where to go, but when to go as well.

My car has an airbag ready to jump from my steering wheel like a jack-in-the-box at the first whiff of a collision. Because of this, my hands are stationed at 4 0’clock and 8 o’clock on the steering wheel. That’s not exact. I think they tend to rest at 3:57 and 8:03. The airbag dictates that for safety reasons, I assume those hand positions. That’s fine, but no car manufacturer has taken in account those of us who are wavers. Having my hands at 4 and 8 makes it difficult to wave promptly. Some folks are offended when they don’t receive a reciprocal wave. I can work myself into more corners than Walgreens. When another driver tosses me a friendly salute, by the time I get my hand above the steering wheel to wave back, the next driver gets the wave meant for a predecessor. A wave and a miss! I continue to wave, hoping the initial waver checked his mirror and saw that I wasn’t insensitive, just tardy. This routine causes me to wave at strangers. That’s not a bad thing.

I await the first automaker to produce an automobile with a hood ornament that consists of a waving hand.

Ask Al

The customers of this column ask sublime questions. I provide answers of dubious quality.

“Did you have a security blanket when you were a rugrat?” No blankie for me. I had a roll of rusty barbed wire instead.

“What kind of person lives the longest?” A rich relative.

“What is a fortnight?” It’s the night after a thirdnight.

“What is a marital compromise?” It happens when a husband wants to do one thing and the wife wants to do another. In the compromise, they do something that neither wanted to do.

“How did you meet your wife?” I was her psychology class homework.

“How many different colors of socks do you have?” Two — and I’m wearing them. Neither one is worth a darn.

“What position did you play in football?” Left piñata.

“Have you ever had a pet other than a dog or a cat?” Yes, I had a turtle named Fluffy.

“How does it feel to have a birdbrain?” Finders, keepers.

“Is there really a Sandman?” No. The Drool Fairy brings sleep.

“What causes that funny smell in junior high lab?” Junior high boys.

The news from Hartland

News travels fast. When someone sneezes in Hartland, someone in the township says, “Gesundheit.” What happens in Vegas may not happen in Hartland, but if it did, we’d know about it thanks to Hartland Harold. Here are the latest headlines from Hartland Harold.

Local monastery adds friar escape.

Small house fire gave local resident his 15 minutes of flame.

To prepare for a garden tour, Pete Moss applied floor wax to his oak trees.

Polka player waltzes out of town.

Wedding planner advises clients on a budget to buy wedding cake by the slice and to rent wedding photographs.

Knitting and Acupuncture Class meets Tuesday.

Chopin Liszt Grocery holds “37 for the price of 1” sale on zucchini.

The Skunk Petting Zoo closes for fumigation.

Bill Fold invests his life savings in “Happy Days” memorabilia and loses everything in a Fonzie scheme.

Getting older

My neighbor Old Man McGinty told me, “I like my new bifocals. My dentures fit fine. My hearing aid works perfect. But how I miss my mind.” He added that his actions creak louder than his words.

You may be getting older if:

You remind yourself that your best years as a Walmart greeter are ahead.

You remember when the border patrol was someone who made sure you colored within the lines.

Naps have again become involuntary.

You use a driver for miniature golf.

A romantic evening with your spouse involves discount coupons.

Have you ever wondered?

Why socks aren’t faithful to their mates?

Why coffee smells so good to people who don’t drink it?

If you eat too many finger foods, do you get fat fingers?

Can you cry under water?

Why someone is in a movie but on TV?

Is it a hot cup of coffee or a cup of hot coffee?

Why do we keep the house as warm in winter as it was in the summer when we complained about the temperature?

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.