I have spent 7.9 years standing in line, so far

Published 9:01 am Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Al Batt, Tales from Exit 22

I was standing in line.

What did people stand in before there were lines?

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I’d been standing in the line so long that I’d forgotten why I was standing in it.

Al Batt

I’d misplaced my mood ring, so I didn’t know how I felt about my epic wait.

I was in an airport, waiting to go through security. For some unknown reason, 47 percent of the population of the state had decided to form a line and go through security.

People were fussing because they were everywhere they didn’t want to be. Many had waited too long to get to the airport so they could wait too long in line. The more of a hurry a person is in, the longer the line will be. When you are in a rush, there will be a line just to get into a line. Some individuals find no pleasure in waiting in line. In a 70 mile per hour world, slow movement is aggravating. Folks were missing flights. An aggressive man cut in line. Others glared and some barked at the miscreant, “The end of the line is back there!”

The head and the rear of a long line are two different worlds. Getting to the head of a line is the goal for everyone standing in a line.

The scoundrel wasn’t clever about it. He didn’t tap the person in front of him on the left shoulder and when that person turned to look back, sneak ahead on the right. That is the traditional way of getting ahead in life.

If there were eight deadly sins instead of seven, butting ahead in line would be the eighth. My mother advised me when I was a lad that I should never butt ahead in line. She warned me that nobody would like me if I butted ahead in line. A fellow from England standing next to me in the line, mumbled, “I detest queue jumpers.”

I wasn’t bothered by the rascal’s indiscretion. I was early, I was reading a good book (Lego, ergo sum. I read, therefore I am) and the line was moving. A man can put up with a lot as long as the line is moving.

What would we do without lines?

I was reminded of the movie “Michael.” In this movie, we learned that there are angels among us. The title character was an angel named Michael, who looked just like John Travolta. Michael lived in a small town in Iowa. Where else would an angel live? Michael, a cigarette smoking angel, said, “That was right around the time I invented standing in line.”

“You invented standing in line?” asked a reporter for a tabloid called the National Mirror, who was hoping for a scoop about a winged angel in Iowa for his publication.

“Yes,” replied Michael, looking even more like John Travolta, “before that everybody just gathered around.”

If we want things, we stand in line. We wait in line at fast food places, banks, convenience stores, amusement parks, post offices, to get a licenses, movie theaters, supermarkets, pharmacies, to purchase event tickets, bakeries, and nearly everywhere else. If we want to give someone else our money, there is a good chance we’ll have to stand in line to do it. Lines are our lives.

If one person is standing behind another, it’s probably a line.

There are things I’ve learned from spending 7.9 years of my life waiting in lines. I have discovered that standing in line in a Target store is a great time to regret wearing a red shirt. People kept asking me if I could open the next lane or in which aisle they would find underarm deodorants. Never bend over while standing in line. You will drop something. Make sure you bathe before getting in a line. Lines and dating services account for 93 percent of deodorant sales in this country. Convention says it’s OK to save a place for another person in line — but no more than one.

Standing in line can be useful. It offers the opportunity to remember things. Like why you are standing in the line. When you do remember, write it down. People watching is enjoyable. Don’t stare unless you’re wearing those aviator sunglasses that don’t allow anyone to see your eyes. You can talk loudly and in detail on a cell phone about your surgeries. People might not enjoy that as much as you do. Be cautious; line mates could go all “Jerry Springer Show” on you.

Standing in line teaches us that patience is a virtue.

If you want instant gratification, you have to be willing to stand in line for it.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s column appears every Wednesday.