The best all-around generic speech ever given

Published 8:50 am Monday, October 11, 2010

Will Durst, Raging Moderate

Thank you ladies, gentlemen and prospective donors, remote viewing audiences, readers, tweeters and other platform attendees for joining me standing, sitting, lying here as your candidate for elected office, civic duty, greased chute to Swellsville. It is with extreme, reserved, dubious pride that I accept your mandate, challenge, double-dog dare, and I hereby promise, guarantee, secretly doubt that I will represent you to the best of my ability and everything in my heart and soul and man purse.

Will Durst

I’m sure you want to know what I stand for and so do I. And I will reveal my positions just as soon as you let me know what’s important to you. What springs, leaps, staggers exhaustedly to mind: God, flag, family, kittens, rainbows. I’m for all things good and opposed to everything that’s bad, ladies and gentlemen and heavy contributors. And you can count on me to stay that way as long as you return me to office, or until a better offer in the private sector rolls around, hopefully soon.

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In the future, right now, previously, we simply can’t afford my opponent’s onerous tax schemes, reckless Social Security reform, callow inexperience, lifelong record as a career politician. Let me assure you that I believe in his/ her/their right to say bad things about this country, city, state. I just don’t happen to agree with him, her, whatever.

If circumstances, poll numbers, my extortion trial verdict, were different and he/she/they weren’t advocating we push old people, children, veterans into the path of a steaming locomotive, 18-wheeler, cheese blintz, I would be the first, 73rd, last one to defend their right to say whatever irresponsible things he/she/they believed in, didn’t believe in or heard from a unicorn was true, because in this great country, city, state, ladies and gentlemen and 527 administrators, everyone is entitled to their own opinion no matter how foolish or downright treasonous it may be or see or dee.

It’s a little thing called free speech. A huge, trivial, debatable tenet that makes this country, city, state, total kick-ass, better than every other place, nothing to sneeze at. Sometimes, however, albeit, ergo, free speech can lead to disorder, duplicity, lawsuits. We all know people who would be better off keeping their big mouths shut, zipped, clamped. You know it and I know it, and I’m sure our Founding Fathers knew it, too, and three and fore. Fore Fathers. Five Fathers. Five Mothers. Hello.

And my opponent is one of those who needs his/her/their lips sewn closed, ladies and gentlemen and focus-group participants, with their baseless accusations, frivolous charges, grand jury testimony. Because the way things are today, tomorrow and yesterday, in good conscience I just can’t stand here and there and everywhere and let this continue, persist, carry on my wayward son.

The stakes are too high. The times too important. The truth too vital and expedient and slippery and not something you can just waltz around and pretend its not there like a homeless person. As Ronald Reagan, JFK, Bossa Nova once said, “Facts are stubborn things.” And you know what else is stubborn ladies, gentlemen and corporate lobbyists? You are. As am I, and I’m hoping, begging, worried you will, will not, go to the polls on Nov. 1st, 2nd and 3rd. And do do that voodoo that you do so well, not so well, wellish. Thank you for your support, donation, disdain.

Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political columnist who often tells jokes. Catch him in Oconomowoc, Wis., at the Arts Center on Oct. 23.