Al Batt, Tales from Exit 22

Did you know?

In the first poll ever taken, the most common response was, “What’s a poll?”

Charles Atlas tried to lift everything, which led to his arrest for shoplifting.

The word “pie” comes from an ancient Sanskrit word meaning “pie.”

The liquid most often confiscated by airport security is beet juice.

Most of the voices in one’s head sound like Morgan Freeman.

Most national news programs are based loosely upon true stories.

No one has ever said, “More lutefisk, please.”

Fifty percent of the people living in this county account for half of the population.

Mrs. Thomas Edison changed the first light bulb.

Wearing an orange coat is an excellent source of vitamin C.

The news from Hartland Harold

Whenever I want to know the news, I talk to Hartland Harold, my trusted source for headlines. He knows the what, when, where and how. Here are the latest headlines according to Hartland Harold.

Optimist Club Building has an elevator that goes only up.

Sara Dippity, president of the Never Quit Quilting Club says, “Success in quilting is all about attitude. A whiner never quilts.”

Sleeve shortage leads to a vest epidemic.

The cabin that Hardluck Harry constructed of Duraflame logs burns to the ground.

Senior Citizens Center cancels leg-wrestling tournament due to pulled hamstring outbreak.

Lowered Expectations Café offers all the ketchup you can drink every day. This week’s special is creamed corn-on-a-cob. The café has a vegetarian menu. Everything on the menu was once a vegetarian. The good news is that the brown stuff turned green and the green stuff turned brown. Remember, all foods are dog-tested. If Rover won’t eat it, they won’t serve it.

Cuppa Coffee Shop hires new groundskeeper.

Buffalo herd disbands, blaming roaming charges for the split. When the chips are down, the buffaloes are empty.

Jim Nazium’s Health Club offers the Staremaster for those who would rather look than exercise.

Bifocals Book Club reads novel about the excessive drinking of an aristocratic woman — Lady Chatterley’s Liver.

Ask Al

The customers of this column ask the world’s greatest questions. I provide the answers.

“If I gave a million monkeys a million typewriters, could they eventually write Shakespeare?” I doubt it. First, I don’t know where you would get all of the typewriters. Second, no one has Shakespeare’s address.

“What is the secret to losing a lot of weight?” Having a lot of weight to lose.

“Why does a food server always ask me if everything is OK when my mouth is full?” Because it makes it difficult for you to complain about the grub.

“What are squirrels up to?” Something.

“What key does a cow moo in?” Beef flat.

“How did Jonah get out of the whale?” He had a “Get out of whale free” card.

“When is the best time to mow the lawn?” You should dress completely in black and mow the lawn at night. That way, the lawn won’t be able to see the mower coming.

“Do you still play softball?” Do you know what they call someone my age who still plays ball? An ambulance.

“How did the old farmers get so much work done with the simple implements they used?” They didn’t get ESPN.

“What did Columbus see flying near his ships that convinced him that he was approaching land?” A paper airplane.

“Do you enjoy reading poetry?” I’ve been known to go on the occasional rhyme page.

“What is the biggest ant species in the world?” The elephant.

The letter

A friend shared the story of her husband’s tough day. Recent cancer surgery had caused his eyes to swell shut making it a challenge to see. His hearing aids had stopped working so he had difficulty perceiving words. An insurance company had told him that his beloved truck that had received storm damage was worthless. He was down in the dumps. Then he received a letter from one of his sons. He was barely able to make out the writing, but that letter cheered him more than any medication or check from an insurance company could ever do. Handwritten letters can do that. They bring the resonance of old friendships. They are like listening to a gentle rain. They make us more human.

Some folks are letter smellers. They smell an envelope before reading the letter. It’s hard to smell an e-mail. An e-mail that is printed out seems more significant than when it was on the computer monitor. Handwritten snail mail gives an intimacy to correspondence. It provides a tactile sensation that is sometimes lacking in this technologically-enhanced world.

A first-class stamp is only 44 cents, but in this age of cursory electronic communications, a kind, thoughtful handwritten letter is priceless.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Sunday and Wednesday.