Column: Thanks for Listening

So the royal wedding is Friday at 3 a.m. If you are getting up at that time, then the first thing I will tell you is that any wedding that I would plan will be on a Saturday and it will be in primetime baby.

So let’s list the reasons that the wedding I would plan would be better than the royal wedding. I think the first place we should start is the budget. The royal wedding is set to cost between $50 to 100 million dollars. I will only need half that much so I will only spend a paltry $25 million.

Now let’s see my wedding things to do lists:

1. Select your engagement ring. I say spend $10,000 on a huge rock.

2. Announce your engagement. Do it on Facebook — no money spent. Also tell your nosy aunt Betty and really you will have friends and family covered.

3. Select a wedding date and time. Don’t pick a day that is not a Saturday and you will be just fine. Don’t complicate people’s schedules and you will get better presents.

4. Decide where the ceremony will take place. I say wherever the bride wants is good with me. Spend only $50,000 (this can be $10,000 if the bride wants a $50,000 rock on her hand instead.)

5. Shop for bridal gown and accessories. I say whatever the bride wants up to around $5,000.

6. Plan a reception. I think you can have a killer party for $100 grand. Whoop it up!

7. Music. I say Kid Rock and Bruce Springsteen for the reception and Norah Jones and Amos Lee for the wedding ceremony. Cost: $250,000

8. Choose friends to do readings or poems. Free

9. Choose your attendants. This needs to be done by the bride and groom, but should be approved and cross referenced by both because you know that there is always that one friend on both sides that is a bit of a problem (drinks too much, sleeps around too much, is a diva — you know what I am saying) and should not be a part of the wedding. So not to cause any bad feelings, try to plan the wedding when this person is on a trip or in rehab. Cost for gowns for attendants: $20,000

10. Draw up your invitation lists. This is tough, but I am going to make it easy for you. If you have not personally spoken with the family member in the last year, they do not get an invite. If you both hate the family member being considered then they do not get an invite. This reception is about fun, not a family tree of invitations. Sorry fifth cousin Earle you are out. Also the creepy family members (they know who they are) are out, too! Invitations: cost $5,000

11. Bridal gift registry. Seriously men you are not a part of this so let your fiancee register wherever she wants.

12. Tuxedos. Just rent and make sure the guys actually try them on a day or so before because well, we are men and would totally forget this part. Cost $2,000

13. Plan your honeymoon. You are going on a six-week honeymoon. Three weeks in Italy and three in Fiji. Cost: $250,000

14. Arrange for your rehearsal dinner. This needs to be a one-week rehearsal week that is all about partying in Las Vegas. Cost. $250,000

15. Bridal shower. This should be a girl’s weekend in New York with Broadway shows and over-spending on purses, jewelery and shoes. Cost: $250,000

16. Wedding planner. Get a rock star planner so they can worry about stuff like linens, chairs, tables, unity candle, tapers, candleholders, guest book, pen, flowers cake knife/server, balloons, guest book, aisle runner, birdseed/petals/rice, guest keepsakes, engraved toasting glasses, car decorations, etc. Cost: $250,000

17. Decide on seating assignments for your reception. Separate family into their own family units. I do not care if you have seven stepdads, give them their own tables and also hire one security person per table because someone is going to feel tough at some point and want to fight. Normally this is a disgruntled family member who really just needs to be watched. Darn crazy family members.

18. Arrange for a responsible person to take all gifts from the reception to your new home.

19. Prepare your toasts of thanks to family and friends to be presented at the reception. Prepare yourself.

20. Wedding ring. Go big or go home I always say. Cost: $250,000

Breakdown of costs:

a. Engagement ring: $10,000

b. Ceremony: $50,000

c. Gown: $5,000

d. Reception: $350,000

e. Attendant gowns: $20,000

f. Invites: $5,000

g. Wedding planner: $250,000

h. Tuxes: $2,000

i. Bridal shower week: $250,000

j. Rehearsal week: $250,000

k. Honeymoon: $250,000

l. Wedding Ring: $250,000

m. Incidentals: $100,000

Total: $1,792,000

So I have spent right around $1.8 million and that leaves me with $23.2 million still to spend on:

1. A gorgeous home that my wife will have fun picking out and furnishing to her delight.

2. A gorgeous vacation home that my wife will have fun picking out and furnishing to her delight.

3. A couple of cool cars (Ford Shelby Mustang comes to mind) that we will each pick out.

So you see I put on a better wedding because I put the woman first and not England. Note that the bride in my scenario will get a couple of huge diamond rings, a cool ceremony that will make her the talk of the town and make everyone who ever dissed her or looked at her funny crazy mad with jealousy, a great time in New York with her best friends as well as a week in Vegas to blow off steam prior to the wedding. She also gets an amazing honeymoon, two new homes, a bunch of cars and a husband who loves her and still has enough money that they do not have to work ever again.

So really what wedding would scenario would you choose? Remember that mine is half the price and not paid for with tax dollars but rather the money I earned buying stock in Microsoft, Apple and those little rubber bands that kids wear.

Just saying.

Relay for Life starting soon

Relay for Life is right around the corner! Here are some upcoming important dates for this years Relay. Mark your calendars and let’s kick cancer in the butt!

May 16: Kickoff 6-7 p.m.

May 3: Albert Lea Medical Center kickoff

June 13: Team captain meeting in 4-H building 6:30-7:30 p.m.

June 27: Registration 6-7:30 p.m.

July 11: Team captain meeting 6-7:30 p.m.

July 25: Ice cream social for survivors 6-7:30 p.m.

Aug. 8: Bank night 6-7:30 p.m.

Aug. 12: Relay day

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.