Column: Will Durst, Raging Moderate

And now, another installment in the continuing saga that is The Herman Cain Sexual Harassment Soap Opera. When last we left him, the candidate was praising his main backers: “The Koch brothers are my brothers from another mother.” Guess we should be grateful he hasn’t dismissed his accusers with an offhand: “Bros before hoes.”

You could say the situation is fluid, or more precisely glutinous. It’s hard to tell who or what to believe. Conservative talk shows pound home the theory this is all a put-up job while the liberal media remain incredulous the Cain Train hasn’t derailed into a fiery pileup. Right now it all boils down to a classic case of He Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said.

The good news for the first-ever, serious black Republican presidential candidate is a new CBS poll reveals 61 percent of potential GOP primary participants don’t consider the charges serious. Apparently there’s a large contingent of voters who either believe girls lie or boys will be boys. In three short years this country has gone from Hope and Change to Grope and Change. Ain’t life odd?

In his defense, Cain maintains he’s never engaged in any inappropriate behavior. Ever. Really? Ever? Hell, if this presidency thing doesn’t work out, the guy should run for Pope. Or maybe he’s better equipped to replace Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Of course, the term “inappropriate” is objective. Fashionistas might call his cowboy hat highly inappropriate.

Cain’s staff went so far as to say the sexual harassment allegations have actually helped the campaign. Helped! Wow. All he needs is a false imprisonment charge; he could sew this thing right up.

Cain has changed his story almost as often as Mitt Romney changes positions. And his memory problems draw right up to Rick Perry’s Energy Department. Again, almost. First he couldn’t remember anything, and then admitted a charge may have been investigated, but there was no settlement, then maybe there was an agreement, but now he refuses to comment on any of the cases, relentlessly retreating to his stuttering German “nein, nein, nein.”

The oddly self-proclaimed, anti-Washington corporate lobbyist declines any responsibility for keeping this narrative alive, first blaming the Perry campaign, then the Democratic Machine (?); and that old standby, the media, not yet getting around to the evil dominion that is Pizza Hut, but soon. Makes you wonder who’s in charge of his damage control team? Lindsay Lohan? Anthony Weiner? Charlie Sheen? Erica Kane?

He might be better off remembering the very advice he gave the Occupy Movement, “Don’t blame Wall Street, blame yourself.” Yourself, Herman. Yourself. Besides, in most Democratic quarters, the prospect of a Barack Obama/ Herman Cain matchup in the general election has elicited so much salivation, drool bibs and phlegm gutters are standard issue.

Another problem is the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza has demonstrated the sensitivity of a drunken bear. In a recent Detroit debate, he called House Minority Leader Pelosi, “Princess Nancy,” which for a guy ensnared in sexual harassment assertions is like trying to light a cigar by sticking your face in a tiki torch on a windy beach.

We’re entering Daytime Emmy Award territory here, featuring a plot with more twists than a 300-foot telephone cord stuffed into a cardboard box, and a cast of characters changing faster than a chameleon on a plaid tablecloth. Surprised neither Procter & Gamble nor the makers of Slinky jumped on the bandwagon offering to sponsor this candidacy; but stay tuned.

 

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”