Baby boomers are facing extreme maturity

Published 9:19 am Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Column: Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

Some fancy-dancy public-policy think tank just released a brand-new study that speculates the legion of aging baby boomers will permanently redefine retirement. Mainly because so few of us will be able to afford to retire. “Uh, lady, you want lids on these?” Fast-food break rooms equipped with CPR paddles. A forest of tennis ball-footed walkers leaning against the brooms and mops by the back door. Intra-generational minimum wage squabbles: “Hey you punks, get your greasy hot apple pie holes off my oxygen tank.”

Will Durst

Will Durst

One of the optimum ways our demographic bulge can beneficently alter old age is by changing what we call it. Getting rid of some of the odious appellations for senior citizenry would take a huge amount of the quease out of approaching antiquity. What we need is a calamari for the squid. Everybody loves extreme. How ’bout from now on we refer to the ever-encroaching condition as Extreme Maturity?

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No sense belaboring the negative aspects of the path. We are all too cognizant of its passage being one way and ever darkening. Just as easy to focus on the upside. We are not old. We are vintage. Classic. Enduring. Established. Persistent. Time-tested. Seasoned. Steadfast. Stable. Durable. Reputable. Reliable. Rare. Repositories of uber experience. Acute ambulatory aggregates of accomplishment. And laughing in the face of it all, we adamantly continue to buy green bananas and timeshares.

Our motor skills may have declined through oxidation, and perhaps we’re not as quick to dodge trouble as we once were; but on the other hand, we’ve gained the hard-won ability to recognize trouble’s approach and can, most times, steer clear of it well in advance. And since we’re on a mini-roll here, what say we trot out a couple more examples of the Bright Sides of Extreme Maturity:

• Can always claim the batteries in your hearing aid are shorting out. Even when you’re not wearing a hearing aid.

• Those creaks in your bones tend to keep you alert while driving.

• You don’t really ever expect anybody to tell you the actual truth anymore.

• Much less peer pressure. And it diminishes every day.

• On spy missions, those liver spots provide perfect cover to hide microdots.

• Just saying “irritable bowel syndrome” annoys young people so much that they go away. With alacrity.

• Who on earth wouldn’t want to have their living assisted?

• Only need nine books in your library. Read them in order, alphabetically, then start over.

• Pretty much any cane you wield can be set on “stun.”

• Getting up to pee three times a night turns out to be a very effective means of home security.

• Obamacare totally covers Alzheimer’s, dude.

• Always at least one ear hair so long and thick you can cut cheese with it.

• Still doing drugs, only now there’s a co-pay.

• When properly positioned, chronic flatulence can be used as a booster rocket to rectify inertia.

• Much easier to dress for funerals than for weddings. And they’re usually shorter, too.

• The mantra “Don’t trust anybody over 30” still applies and now includes your kids.

• Obamacare totally covers Alzheimer’s, dude.

And finally, a last example of one of the Bright Sides of Extreme Maturity: in a pinch, those nipple rings can double as belt loops.
Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to for more info on stand-up performances.