The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

My ex-boyfriend keeps harassing me and won’t leave me alone. I’ve moved on — which I think is what is bothering him. How do I encourage him to move on, too?

— Clean Break

 

Dear Clean Break,

It is always hard to lose someone we love, especially if we envisioned a life and a future with that person. Please remember this when dealing with him. He is hurting and he may not think of it as harassing.

In his mind, this could be his way of showing you how much he loves you and how much he wants and needs you in his life.

Before panicking, take time to ask yourself a few questions: How long has this been going on? How long have you been apart? What types of messages is he sending you?

If you have only been broken up a short time, then this might not be a serious issue. He could just be clinging to your relationship hoping that it will rekindle and you can go back to the way you were. The same thought applies to how long it’s been going on. If it has only been going on for a few days or weeks, then again, he could just be hoping that you will see that he still loves you and go back to him.

If, however, the amount of time you have been apart is long enough for both of you to move on, then we need to take a closer look at his behavior.

There are a few ways to handle this gently without causing more hurt for either one of you. First of all, have you talked to him about it? Have you asked him to stop contacting you? Sometimes the most obvious solution is the hardest to think of.

If you are regularly talking, texting, emailing, chatting, etc. with him, then it might give him hope that you will indeed get back together. This hope could fuel his behavior. When ending any relationship, it is important to give each other some space to start the healing process. It is difficult to move on if the person you are trying to forget is constantly popping up in your life.

If you have talked to him already and he either won’t or hasn’t listened to you, then it might be time to move to technological devices. Block him from contacting you on various social media websites such as Facebook and Twitter. If he is calling and texting you, call your cellphone provider and have it block his number and prevent him from contacting you that way.

Hopefully, that will solve the problem and he will get the hint that you do not wish to have contact with him. However, if he persists then it may be time for more serious steps. If the messages become threatening or you feel afraid in any way, do not hesitate to contact authorities. This could be the beginning of stalking, which can be a serious crime.

Keep a log of every time he contacts you so you have something tangible to show authorities. If he lives in your same town or city and knows your routine, try changing that.

If you go to the coffee shop every Tuesday at 3 p.m., go Wednesday at 2, instead. If you go to the gym at 4 o’clock every day, try going at 6 instead.

Please keep in mind that this is the very worst-case scenario, and it probably will not come to this.

Again, remember that he is most likely hurting and this is the way he is choosing to deal with the pain of losing you. Try to be understanding and empathic and remember that a relationship ending is a loss, and there is a grieving period. Best of luck to you!

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.