Column: The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I currently live with a roommate who does not understand boundaries. She eats all my food even after I’ve clearly labeled it in my name. She also borrows my clothes without asking and she has ruined some of them. I have tried talking to her about this issue but she laughs it off because we are also friends. How do I get her to respect my boundaries while still maintaining our friendship? Please help.

— Need Boundaries

 

Dear N.B.:

Wow. Obviously you didn’t create a “roommate agreement.” But I’m not sure it would have worked with her laissez faire attitude.

It is so hard to come home to chaos, especially after a hard day at work. I think we can all sympathize with the fact you aren’t able to enjoy your ice-cold beverage (clearly labeled with your name) because you see it tossed in the recycling bin rather than on the fridge shelf where you left it.

Clearly you need boundaries to feel comfortable and she doesn’t.

To some people the concept of sharing space can translate to everything that occupies that space. It’s actually endearing, in a way. As children, we are taught to share what we have with others. Right when we learn about possessions and start to value objects, we are encouraged to hand them over to others. This is unnerving, but something many children learn to get over eventually.

However, this lesson doesn’t translate well to adulthood, especially when our possessions are things we earn through hard work and some are limited in commodity — like your favorite sweater.

I have some suggestions for you:

If you would like to be direct: Create a roommate agreement. You can each draft your own expectations of each other and edit as needed. Your roommate may have similar annoyances that she would like to address with you. You can make the document official by having it notarized. Many bankers and lawyers are a notary public. Then you can frame it and hang it in a prominent place.

If you would like to avoid the situation or have just given up trying to reconcile things: Hide your food. Or buy your own small refrigerator to keep in your locked room. If your room doesn’t lock, get a lock for the refrigerator. Seriously, some people actually do lock their food up. Wear only undesirable clothing and wash it occasionally. Sell everything else you have and put your money in investments she can’t access without breaking laws and going to prison.

If you would like to be mean: Stop being friends with her. Move away.

If you would like to be “nice”: Let her continue to do what she’s doing. Bite your tongue when she does something that bothers you. Let the frustration build inside of you until you have to start seeing a massage therapist regularly to deal with all of the back pain from not speaking your truth.

If you would like to be real: Talk to her about how important your friendship is to you and that you chose to live with her because you felt she is a trustworthy person, or she is a great deal of fun, or she’s your oldest friend and you can’t imagine life without her. Be completely honest. Let her know her value.

A wise woman told me once that people don’t care what you say until they know you care. When we react out of frustration or anger we don’t express ourselves as well as we could and people feel like they are being nagged or we are being overly critical. It’s best to try to acknowledge the challenges as they come and provide examples of other options, like asking before taking.

We expect people to operate by the same set of principles, especially if they are our friends. They are supposed to be like us, right? It wouldn’t be as interesting of a friendship if there weren’t differences. When we choose to live with someone else, those differences can get magnified in a very ugly way.

You will need to learn to be patient and accept there will inevitably be sticky situations (literally — not everyone is as adept at cleaning honey off the counter). However, if you make it through this time together and remain friends after each of you has moved on with your lives, you will inevitably look back at this time with fond memories. The spilled milk won’t be your biggest concern anymore and you will have a friend for life with whom you can truly share your heart. That is something worth working for.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.