The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

 

Dear Leah,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little less than a year. He was really into me at first and would say how perfect I was, but now I keep catching him looking at other girls. What do I do?

— Sick of His Wandering Eye

 

Dear Sick,

It’s very understandable for you to be distressed by this behavior. It’s also very easy to get self-conscious about how appealing we are when we find our partner’s eye wandering.

I do want to caution you that men, though smart and capable creatures, are not always aware of their behavior. I’ve known men who appear to have a wandering eye but are just staring off into space. There are some who appreciate beauty in any form, and others who just like to watch people.

I’m not saying this to excuse him if his behavior is truly obnoxious, but to ask you to consider if it’s something that is constant or something that happens occasionally.

Please, don’t take his behavior as a personal offense or that you are not good enough for him. Many times we behave how we’ve observed others behaving or how we think society expects us to act. Relationships are good for helping us realize the fallacy of those operating systems.

This may be a behavior you can help direct him away from, if it has become a habit. When you catch him staring, you can touch his arm and ask a question or make a comment. If he is easily redirected, then it shouldn’t take long to break him of this habit or it might not be a big deal.

However, if he’s so fixated that he pays no notice to your attention, there could be cause for concern.

It’s really difficult to know what is going on in a person’s mind unless you ask. I would recommend you directly address this behavior and let him know how it makes you feel. He may have no notion of what it is doing to your relationship. Usually if someone is committed to a relationship, they will make an effort to change offensive behaviors.

If he still doesn’t seem to care, I would suggest you end it with him. At this point it is obvious that he isn’t as invested as you are in the relationship and his behaviors could possibly get worse, especially if he isn’t respectful of your feelings.

There are plenty of kind and considerate men out there. Sometimes it can take awhile to meet the one who will be the right fit, but it is well worth the wait.

A final piece of advice for you: Whether you choose to stay or to leave, you should work on developing relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and get involved in hobbies or volunteer work that inspires you.

We have one life and limited time to really enjoy ourselves; we shouldn’t waste it agonizing over situations we have little control over or people who aren’t as invested in us.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.