The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I’ve been in so many relationships but never seem to find the right one. Every time I get close to a woman and things get more serious, I feel like I have to give up so much just to be with her. I enjoy living out in the country and sometimes I just need to chop wood to feel right. Do I have to give up my dreams to be with someone?

— Am I Mr. Wrong?

 

Dear Mr. Wrong,

Maybe? It all depends on what you value more — being in a relationship or having the lifestyle you prefer.

There are many lucky people who can find a partner with similar designs for how to live the “good” life.

The problem is, most people in our country today have grown up appreciating certain amenities and conveniences. Can living too far away from a Target store get in the way of love? Sure.

It sounds like you’re not willing to meet your potential partners halfway. You want to have it all and, frankly, it’s just not realistic.

You may be attracted to the wrong things in a partner. People tend to be drawn towards someone who is exciting and different and not necessarily complementary or like-minded.

Usually, when a couple gets together, they will create a life together. You have already created the life you want. This is definitely the challenge you will face — in order to make a life with someone else, you will inevitably have to give something up. But I would venture to say this is the true value in a relationship — learning to be less self-centered.

You ultimately need to ask yourself — do you really want to give up your ideal? And also, do you really want to be in a relationship?

I am almost positive if you changed your expectations for a mate, you could find someone who would love to settle in to a quiet life in the country. She may not be who you thought you would fall in love with, but she will be a good partner for you.

You can also choose to remain a bachelor, just like Henry David Thoreau, living in nature and pondering existence. It’s a lovely kind of life and one that doesn’t have to be lonely if you learn to make friends of trees and ants and woodland creatures like Thoreau.

If you continue to date, I would ask you to be considerate and let the women know you will not change your lifestyle. It’s quite frustrating for a woman to imagine a future with someone only to discover that future is already determined and there is no room for her dreams.

Please don’t feel you need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled in life. Some of the most interesting people I have met were never married and never had children. It just means your focus is on something else in life.

Your children can be what you create in your life and your creations may be as remarkable and influential as Thoreau’s writings. You have time to pay attention to things in life the rest of us glaze over and this is a gift not to be taken for granted.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.