The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

My girlfriend and I are living together but constantly fight about chores. I try to help her, but I don’t know what she wants me to do, and I feel like I get in her way. Usually I end up watching TV while she cleans around me, glaring at me. I really don’t want this to continue and plan to ask her to marry me someday. How do we resolve this before she becomes a “nagger” and I become the “lazy” one?

— NOT Lazy

 

Dear NOT Lazy,

Your question is probably one of the most common relationship complaints between the sexes, second to finances.

In your defense, studies have proven that men do not see dirt and do not perceive the need to clean as much as women do.

One study by a scientific journal called PLOS One found that of 450 subjects men carry a higher amount of bacteria than women. I wouldn’t recommend you share this fact with your girlfriend if she is really a “clean freak” because she may not want to touch you again.

A fact is a fact, but you have realized this doesn’t excuse you from helping around the house. As you are intending to live with your partner for the remainder of your lives, it would be good to find dirt-scoping goggles, or find another way to understand her expectations.

I once knew a darling woman who split chore responsibilities in half with her husband—this is something they agreed to before they were married and both were disciplined when it came to cleaning every Saturday morning.

Realistically, this is not going to happen in most relationships — especially if you are a younger couple. You should have fun with friends and have adventures together. This means chores won’t always get done. It’s important to focus on developing that strong bond before you two settle down.

My recommendation is to figure out what you really enjoy doing. Yes, yes, chores are chores, but some people derive great satisfaction from washing dishes, vacuuming or doing the laundry. If you mow the lawn, that is one item you can check off your list.

Offer to help with a task or make a list of chores that you will agree to do on a regular basis and post it on the refrigerator or another prominent place.

Chores are something both of you will need to make a routine. I have found over the years that I will dedicate an hour or two on the weekend for doing certain chores and then have the rest of my day to play.

It also helps to use cleaning products that are not toxic—this can substantially reduce your enjoyment (and possibly make you sick). Instead opt for natural cleaners like baking soda or products that have essential oils, which can make cleaning a therapeutic experience (believe me, it can be!).

Ultimately, you two want to have more time together, so finding a way to share the work is a way to get that quality time.

Quality time is something you need to prioritize in your relationship — it is too easy to get focused on the “to-do” lists. Letting go of the expectation that everything needs to be clean and orderly is something you can teach your girlfriend.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.