The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

My husband is constantly swearing around and sometimes at our children. I can tell it hurts them, but I don’t think he knows how he’s affecting them. He truly does love them, and I know he doesn’t want to damage their relationship with him, but I can tell they don’t want to be around him as much. I have mentioned it to him several times, but he still does it. How can we help him stop this behavior?

— Bothered by Bad Language

Dear Bothered,

I have always felt that people who choose to swear aren’t very creative; they must not know other, more appropriate words to express their frustrations.

An occasional swear word can make a strong statement, and sometimes it’s frankly needed to get people’s attention, but used excessively, swearing can be quite damaging to others and to oneself.

Swearing can truly become a habit and one that is hard to break. It is definitely time to address the situation if loved ones are being harmed.

A good way to start is helping to draw attention to the times your husband is choosing to swear. You could have silent cues that you use or a remark, such as “beep” every time he lets one slip. This might get annoying. (We all know how annoying it is to hear that “beep” when we’re watching TV with excessive swearing.) But it will get his attention.

You could also keep a tally and post it in a prominent location or send him regular texts to help him recognize that it is, indeed, a problem.

If he is responding well, the next step is to help him find replacements for the swear words. “I am vexed” sounds so much better than an expletive. It also may serve as an educational opportunity for the children and interesting conversations will ensue, rather than dulled silence.

Have you ever noticed how swear words quash conversation completely? Or take a conversation down a divergent path? There really isn’t much good that comes from them, other than temporarily relieving anger and frustration.

It will probably take some time to help him break this habit, if he is willing.

If you find he isn’t responsive to you, you can also ask your children to have a voice in the manner. Often if our spouse won’t listen to us, he or she will listen to our children.

Depending on their age, your children might not know what to say, so this may be an opportunity to coach them and help them build confidence to speak up.

You can suggest your children simply say: “I don’t like that,” or “That hurts my feelings, Dad.” If they are older, they can talk more about how it affects them. Take a walk with them or take them out to ice cream first so they have time to sound out what they will say. This coaching will help them speak up in the future and prevent them from reacting in anger and frustration.

If your husband still isn’t responsive, you should model to your children an “escape” option — just leave the room. Swearing can certainly become abusive and like secondhand smoke, even if it’s not directed at you, it still harms your health. You have the right to peaceful space — help your children understand they also have this right. Perhaps loneliness will help him take initiative to change his behavior.

Until he does decide to change, continue to be a positive role model for your children and surround them with others who treat them with kindness and talk respectfully to them. This will certainly make a difference in their lives.

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.