Things I Tell My Wife by Matt Knutson

“Why does it take going through something difficult to bring people together?” I asked Sera as we recalled the past week. After writing about our miscarriage we received an outpouring of comforting words from friends and family, many of whom shared that they too have gone through this experience.

It’s good to know you’re not alone when going through a loss, but I wish it didn’t take a great sadness to unite people together. Sera described it so well on her blog, I decided to share.

“Matt writing his column was a leap of faith on our part. I knew our story needed to be shared. It has been startling to discover how many people we know who have walked this journey we are currently walking, and we wanted them to know they were not alone. We, too, were experiencing their pain.

“Ubuntu is a concept I’ve known of for the majority of my adult life. The concept originated from South Africa and translated it means, ‘I am because we are.’ In other words, we are all connected. We can’t be ourselves without community.

“Never have I seen this concept come to life as much as I have since his column was published. To be honest, it’s so comforting to know we’re not in this alone.”

Sera speaks of the comfort we receive from others during our loss, but I don’t think ubuntu is a concept only for those grieving. Truly, we are all together on this journey of life.

When I think about understanding life and how we all connect together, I’m often drawn to the imagery on a multi-lane highway. There’s usually a lot of cars and they aren’t all heading the same direction, but they do all have something in common: They’re going somewhere. By going somewhere, they’re impacting everyone else around them.

Maybe your friends aren’t in the same lane as you. Certainly some of our friends can’t grasp the difficult nature of a miscarriage simply because they’re nowhere near that lane in life. You can’t expect people to understand exactly what you’re going through all the time.

On the flip side, it seemed like this week our traffic lane suddenly filled up with cars who had already been down our path before and were there to guide us. I hope we’ll be there to help the next people signaling into our lane.

Certainly our loss is difficult, but there are many other lanes on the highway too, and they aren’t guaranteed to be easy. One might be stalled because of a flat tire, and another could be stopped for an emergency. There’s never one lane for everyone going through something hard. We all are in that lane at some point.

Despite the difficulties that we encounter in our own highway lanes, we are all still moving forward together. Sometimes we’re all stuck in rush-hour traffic, and sometimes we’re the only car in sight. It’s the journey that moves us forward, and the journey is far more significant when we realize that others are with us.

One of my biggest takeaways from our miscarriage is the desire to grow closer to people when times are good. When the lane you’re in is moving forward as planned, it’s easy to ignore the cars in other lanes. They’re not really impacting you, and you’re not really impacting them.

I want to change that. If we all pay attention to what’s going on in each other’s lives, we might have time to actually pull over and help someone change their tire instead of driving past too quickly to even have time to stop. I don’t want us to live in a world where it takes an engine fire for us to be there for each other.

My wife and I have felt incredibly fortunate to know such good people, and such sorrow knowing the losses so many of them have experienced. “I am because we are.”

The ubuntu philosophy provides a warmth to a community which fosters togetherness in a way we rarely experience. I am celebrating because we are celebrating. I am grieving because we are grieving. When we choose to live our lives together, our individual losses and gains suddenly go beyond ourselves. I hope both Sera and I continue to go beyond ourselves through this next stage in our lives together.

 

Rochester resident Matt Knutson is the communications and events director for United Way of Olmsted County.