“It’s way better to not be the first sibling to get married,” I told Sera after contemplating my sister’s upcoming nuptials. I’m the youngest of three, and my eldest sister, Missy, was married before Sera and I tied the knot. Having been through my own and currently watching my other sister, Nicky, plan her wedding, it’s become quite clear that the first sibling to get married has it the worst.

First, there’s a lot going into wedding planning that the other siblings can steal. The guest list immediately comes to mind. I’m certain my oldest sister had the riveting job of tracking down names and addresses for save the dates and wedding invitations. Plus, who do you decide to invite? That’s a job I do not envy. Her list was then passed on to other cousins as they were married, and eventually reached my inbox with little work to do. It’s the first sibling to get married that decides these kind of things, and all of the rest of us can follow in his or her shadow without making too many waves.

I could also assume there’s pressure on the first in the family to get married regarding traditions. Have all the brides always done something one way, and now it’s her turn to decide if she’ll continue it? I don’t think something like this existed in my family, but if the eldest sibling cuts off the tradition, it’s a lot easier for the rest of the siblings to follow suit. On the flip side, the first wedding in the family has the potential to create tradition among the weddings. Perhaps all the siblings decide to have the same Bible verses read or strike the same pose in photos. This all traces back to the decision the first person makes.

Being the first to get married also puts you in the slightly awkward place of talking to your parents about what they’d like to contribute financially to the wedding. Once the first sibling is done, it’s easier for the second and third to avoid weird money conversations with parents because there’s a precedent set. Of course financial situations can change between weddings, so there’s always the possibility that your parents won the lottery between wedding number one and wedding number two (heads up: they didn’t). I haven’t heard from my parents in a few days, but it looks like Nicky’s got a week for them to strike it rich if it’s going to make an impact on her wedding. Probably best not to plan on it.

Also something not to plan on: younger siblings getting you a wedding gift if they haven’t been married before. They may be young and in college without extra money to spare, or maybe they’re completely oblivious to the idea of bringing a present. Either way, I’m pretty sure I never got Missy a wedding gift. Looking back, that’s pretty appalling. I’m sure my presence was enough of a present for her, but I definitely owe her something, especially considering how her and Nicky went all out for Sera and I’s wedding. Now that I’m working and financially stable, I can definitely get Nicky and my future brother-in-law a decent gift and not think anything of it. It’s part of growing up (and maybe part of being the youngest, male sibling), but I honestly didn’t think about it until Nicky’s bridal shower that I likely never got Missy and her husband a gift. Knowing my mom, I’m pretty sure my name was added to the card anyway. Thankfully, further research goes to show I wasn’t completely out of line. Sera was the first of her siblings to get married, and I’m pretty sure they pulled the same thing, meaning this goes beyond the good Knutson name.

Sure, Missy may have missed out on a present or two and ended up doing a little extra behind the scenes work by being the first to get married, but it paid off for the rest of us quite well. As Nicky walks down the aisle next week, I’m sure we’ll have a much clearer perspective for who had it the hardest. I doubt that award will come my way, which I’m certainly thankful for. As more of my siblings-in-law begin to approach the altar, I’ll be interested to see where Sera winds up placing our wedding preparation and ceremony in the ratings. Until then, I’ll hold firm to my stance that the eldest had it the hardest until either of my sisters can convince me otherwise.

 

Rochester resident Matt Knutson is the communications and events director for United Way of Olmsted County.