Dear Leah,

My mother has never really been there for me. This past Mother’s Day she complained online about how her children never call her or visit. It’s not true. Every time we try to set something up she cancels. I’m tired of trying. Should I give up on her? — Time to be Done?

 

Dear Done,

We are told as children that we need to be respectful of adults, especially our parents. I believe in appreciating our elders and building strong family connections. However, it sounds to me like your mother is not committed to having a relationship with you.

Many children grow up in families that are dysfunctional. As they become adults and see how other family relationships operate, they begin to question the value of keeping connections with certain family members.

There are families we are born into and families we choose for ourselves.

One of the beautiful things about growing older is that we are able to enter the world as our own unique people and form connections with others who appreciate us or support us.

We learn lessons from every relationship we have. I’m sure your experience has or will help you become a better mother and your children will benefit, if you choose to go down that path.

Don’t hold on to anger and don’t let her pull you down into her misery — it will only hurt you. Let it go.

If she is reaching out to the world, it sounds like she doesn’t have enough support with friends or other family. She needs to find a way to work through the emotions she is feeling. It’s not up to you to help her.

You are not required to contact your mother on Mother’s Day. You are not required to continue interacting with her. Honor the fact that she brought you into the world and then be done.

If and when she is ready to truly engage in a relationship with you, she will seek you out. It’s perfectly fine to ask her to meet some of your expectations, such as not canceling every time, calling you regularly, etc.

Certainly, do go on with your life and enjoy it! Her path is her own and it will align with yours if she finds herself.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.