Dear Leah,

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly a year. He is recently divorced and has said from the beginning he doesn’t want a serious relationship. We’ve grown very close and I love the time we spend together. I’m at the point now where I am ready for more. What do I do?

— Crossroads

 

Dear Crossroads,

Why did you allow yourself to begin a relationship with a man who told you that wasn’t what he wanted? I think there’s safety in loving an emotionally unavailable human being. You can let your guard down, and just be, because you know in the end it isn’t going to matter anyways. The pressure’s off. In that circumstance there are no expectations. No promises. It’s all just very raw and authentic.

Isn’t it beautiful to watch that kind of love grow so naturally? The joy you find in all of the delightful little surprises and quiet moments? The fact that you found love in that situation, when neither of you were ready for it, tells me that you were put together to heal each other and grow. Imagine for a moment what his life would be like had you not been in it if he were on his own, moving through a string of meaningless experiences. Would he be the man you know him to be? You may never fully know the depth of the impact this experience has had on his life. But I bet he does.

And you, my dear, have clearly grown. You’ve allowed yourself to trust and be free. In that space you’ve explored giving, and receiving, love. You’ve learned the difference between hope and expectation. You handed over the reins and for once, let go of control. Because of this experience, you’ve grown to the point where you are ready for a more lasting commitment. And that tells me your time here is up. It’s time to go. But before you do, put what you’ve learned to good use. Let him go with unconditional love.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.