October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. It is a reminder for us moving into the fall that although autumn is beautiful and bountiful, that our sun is fading so the nights are longer and colder. The starkness of Minnesota winters brings about the isolation some fear from the bitter cold and storms. People have a tough time navigating the roads, sidewalks and often battle the severe winds, and at times our isolation is enhanced by the weather. It is also a reminder that domestic abuse is isolating and knows no divide of status, race or wealth. It affects all in our community, our workplaces, our schools, churches and most of all, the families.

The key to the abuser is to have as much power and control over the victims as possible. They are frequently kept from communicating with family members and friends. Abusers also tend to control the money and every aspect of the finances so a person with few to no options often goes back into that abusive relationship. Homelessness and affordable housing is a big problem for today. It is hard to be homeless, let alone with kids, and the only housing available is back with your abuser. Also, the victim does believe that their abuser loves them, and often, that they are at fault for the abuse because that is what they are told relentlessly. If only they worked harder, were better at making them happy, didn’t make them so mad, were a better cook, a better mother/father. They are told they are worthless and no one else would love them. In the process they become accustomed to thinking that they are unlovable.

It isn’t just reduced to a choice to stay or not to stay. And it generally doesn’t start with marriage. It starts from childhood when children are exposed to prolonged stress over time due to exposure to abuse, resulting in adverse cognitive changes in their brain and neurology, or living in a survival mode. These childhood circumstances all but guarantees high risk for development of mental health issues, substance abuse, unlawful actions and violent behavior. It is also called ACES, or Adverse Childhood Experiences and referred to as the “Road to Poverty.” Each abuser was a child once — a very sweet kid with a wide smile eager to talk about things they enjoy with a mischievous twinkle in their eyes. We see that twinkle dim and then go out over time. We now have a pretty good idea of what happened when they were children.

The end results of the abusive relationships sometimes involve murder, and this tragedy involves all of our communities throughout the state. Help us move forward with educating people toward realizing the healthy give and take of relationships, that love is about giving and sharing and not hurting, looking out for the best interests of their families and help them grow in a violence free home to stop the cycle of abuse.

Please join us on the for the Domestic Violence Candlelight Vigil from 6 to 8 p.m. Oct. 8 at New Denmark Park for a short program and remembrance for those lives lost in the past year in our communities in Minnesota.

 

Andrea Mauer

Freeborn County Crime Victim’s Crisis Center