The Nice Advice by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I am a mommy to a beautiful, sassy, smart 1-year-old girl. I work full time, am going to college and maintain all of the household chores. My live-with boyfriend of 3 years is a new business owner and a great father. He is very driven, motivated and hardworking and like I said, a great dad to our daughter — they adore each other.

There are days that I absolutely want to marry him, but I as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t know if it’s because of the right reasons and I don’t know if we should just try co-parenting as single adults. Sometimes I feel that’s how we do things anyways, just living under the same roof. Please help me see if I’m just feeling normal growing pains of a relationship and I need to just tough it out or if we are heading down a never ending path of unhappiness?

Signed, New Direction

 

Dear New,

I think this relationship can be saved, but it’s going to take work, and you both have to be willing to do the work. It is going to require couples/relationship counseling and professional help to tear down that communication wall, and coming to compromises via open, honest discussions that turn into arguments.

Look, every couple fights about money. And most of us have different parenting “styles” and need to find a way to co-parent as a united front. And I certainly didn’t marry my personality twin either.

On the other hand: “We have a child together and live together and there are days when I absolutely want to marry him” vs. “I’m just not ready to get married.” That’s something I feel like should’ve been worked through by now. If the plan was to get married and you both genuinely wanted to be married — well, you’d probably be married. Right?

And I am in no way an advocate for unhappy people staying in unhappy relationships, and especially not “for the sake of the child.” I do believe you owe it to her to ensure that you’ve given your life together every possible shot before calling it quits. Couples therapy might really change things for you, for the better. Or it might very well put your relationship under a super-realistic lens where you can see that co-parenting as single parents is, in fact, the right choice. But as long as that first outcome is in the realm of possibility and something you both want on some level, it’s worth working for.

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.