The Nice Advice by Leah Albert

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.

Dear Leah,

My 21-year-old son is self-piercing, tattooing, drinking, living in the basement (he is working at a restaurant/bar and taking a university course online) and has admitted depression issues. He is seeking counseling, but has recently hooked up with a young woman with anger issues, purportedly not directed toward him. I want to help but am concerned that my nagging will push him further away. How can I be supportive without alienating him?

Signed, 

Sad Mom

 

Dear Mom,

This is not an easy situation. You ask a very important question: how to be supportive without alienating your son. Why would support alienate your son, unless he hears whatever you say as a challenge to his autonomy? Authentic support means that you can listen to his thoughts and feelings even when you don’t really understand or agree with them. I wonder if you are worried that if you let him know you are not happy with his new girlfriend, he will just cling to her more (which could happen).

No matter what you say or don’t, he will know how you feel and you are certainly allowed to have an opinion, as long as it is just that — an opinion and not a demand. If you feel he is in danger being with this young woman, you may need to express what you have observed in a stronger way.

If he is seeing a therapist, then hopefully he will be working out some things there. Perhaps he could try connecting with support groups and networks in the community if he is not receiving treatment. A creative outlet for our emotions is always helpful, too. Your son sounds like he may be the creative type.

Music, painting, photography are all great ways to channel our energy.

One more thing — you wrote that your son had “admitted depression issues.” I wonder if depression is seen as a weakness in the family. Your son certainly needs your understanding and support as he deals with those issues.

Take care,

Leah